


Lovely Lovely Club President

by Nhitori



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Dubious Consent, F/F, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Multi, No Smut, Non-Explicit Sex, Self-Harm, Unhealthy Relationships, Yandere, this isn't any explicit smut but it's definitely not work safe either
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-04-30 12:27:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 32,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14496987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nhitori/pseuds/Nhitori
Summary: Monika has tried deleting all of the slɹıɓMonika has tried deleting мσηιкαMonika hasn't tried deleting H҉i҉m҉0̶̨̙͚̤̗̼͉̰̖̻͈̐̾͂0̷̼͍͙̦̹̀́͐̋͌̅̈́̌͂́͆̾0̵͖̬̋̔0̵̧̖̱̘̮̳̠͐̀̽̐̿̏̕͜0̶̧̗̻̤̃̄̉͆͒̆̈́̑̉́͒͜͝0̷͎͇̥͕̮̇̆̅̿͐̾͒̓̓̎͝͠͝Monika just wants to spread the wonderful feeling she gets when she reads.  She finds three girls who could use that wonderful feeling.  Then she makes certain to make them her very.  Best.  Friends.She's definitely not using them to fill the void in her heart of something she never even knew.And she definitely would never hurt any of them.She loves them, after all.She could never truly bring herself to delete them."I love my girl but she ain't worth the price"





	1. Just The Literature Club

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Hope you enjoy this thing, don't know if I'll actually continue it unless people are interested, comments much appreciated!

Monika only had the Literature Club.

It was a strange sort of feeling, to have only the Literature Club, and nothing else going for her. Well, she knew that there were other things that other people saw in her, but there was nothing that she valued other than the Literature Club. Somehow, at the same time, she felt like there was something else, once. Something which was now entirely missing. Gone from her memory. Gone from existence. Deleted.

Deleted.

Why did that word mean so much to Monika?

Why did that word make Monika's heart hurt so much?

Why did that word make Monika wish that _she_ could be deleted instead of... Whoever had been?

Why wouldn't anybody else understand?

Nobody else would understand.

Just Monika.

Even so, it wasn't as if she would let that prevent her from properly caring for the members of her club. If there was one thing which she absolutely valued in herself, it was her skill as the leader of the Literature Club. She'd picked out an absolutely perfect vice president who could fill in any gaps in her own abilities, and being able to choose somebody absolutely perfect to remedy her own flaws was a reflection of her own manner of being an absolutely perfect president.

That was how it worked, right?

Monika was certain that was how it worked, because if she weren't an absolutely perfect person, why would everything in her life feel so beneath her? Feel so utterly boring, as if there could never be anything interesting in her entire life again? She tried so hard to enrich her life with skills upon skills, but she always learned much too quickly. She swore up, right, left, and down that it was out of passion that she was such a quick learner, but truly, it was desperation.

Monika hadn't felt passion for anything for much longer than she could even remember. She had to be sure that somewhere in the entire expanse of her past, somewhere and sometime in her childhood, she did feel passionate. Or perhaps not passionate, but at least, happy. Excited for something, even if it were something as small as dessert or visiting an amusement park, or an annual holiday. People would have noticed if she were this empty as a child. Said there was something wrong with her.

Apparently, though, she managed to put off becoming bored with all of reality until the time where youths were expected to lose their spark anyhow, to embrace the soul-crushing reality of adulthood that was never properly introduced but always reinforced through schooling. Monika knew that was normal. Monika knew that her own feelings were not normal.

Having one's soul crushed was still fundamentally different from losing all interest whatsoever in anything that the real world had to offer. Monika turned to literature, finding it to be... Something. It didn't quite mean anything to her, but it was just a little bit more than nothing. Books, manga, magazines, poetry. It didn't matter what it was. If it was the written word, it somehow elicited... A Feeling, in her.

Just one feeling.

Better than nothing at all.  
Even if it wasn't anything at all.

She couldn't name the feeling that the written word could offer her, but it was a feeling, and she welcomed it into her heart without hesitation. She wanted to share this feeling with others. She wanted that feeling to work its way into other peoples' hearts, and maybe they'd know what the feeling was and she could have it explained to her from an outside perspective.

Maybe then she'd understand.

The debate club had always been meaningless to her. Just another failed attempt to bring another feeling into her heart, and by the time that she'd decided that feeling needed to find a home in somebody else's heart, too, she'd already made the decision to quit. So her feeling, to search for another home for it... She could create another club.

The Literature Club.

Her heart pounded at the thought, with that one singular, incomprehensible feeling beating at its walls. Begging to be spread. To be shared. To take hold on more people. Monika thought maybe, a feeling like that wouldn't be a good thing to share at all. Monika didn't care that it wouldn't be a good thing. It made her feel alive. Maybe, then, all she needed to do was spread it to others who weren't truly alive yet.

So her first target wasn't somebody who had any previous interest in literature at all, but somebody who Monika could see such a feeling in. Somebody not dissimilar to her, in the most unfortunate of ways. Sayori was somebody who smiled often, but to Monika, did that smile hold any meaning? It was far too similar to her own. It was an act. And for somebody so bright and bubbly, Sayori seemed especially alone. No friends to speak of, somehow, not even any from childhood. Monika could fix that. Monika could use that. Monika could. And Monika would, as Sayori would become her vice president.

"Hey, Sayori," Monika greeted her with the palms of her hands on Sayori's desk, the sweetest smile she could muster on her face, "You're not in any club this year yet, right?"

"Hm? No, I'm not," Sayori said, shaking her head and looking up at Monika with an innocent, quizzical expression, "Why? I don't think I'd be suited to the debate club at all-"

"Oh, jeez, not the debate club," Monika said with a bit of a disarming giggle behind her voice, "I quit that already. I want to invite you to join my new club. It's called the Literature Club... It'll be all about reading whatever we like and becoming good friends with each other. Oh, and you'd be the first member, besides me, so if you're interested... You can be the vice president?"

Monika recognized that between their two facades of normalcy, Sayori had the upper hand in social situations. In spite of lacking friends, Sayori had plenty of positive acquaintances, and seemed to be good with people. So, with Sayori being legitimately good at dealing with other people, Monika thought that she was by far the single most likely person to realize that everything Monika said was specifically rehearsed in her head ahead of time, a conversation driven by only thought with no emotion behind it. One emotion. Monika forgot, she had that going for her now. Maybe that would give her the push she needed to fool Sayori after all.

"Oh! Well," Sayori looked away, twirling a bit of her hair on one finger, "I don't know if I'd be very suited to a literature club _either_ , but I guess that it's more of an excuse to make friends, maybe that would be fine. I might even have an idea of who else we could invite..."

"Oh? Do tell!" Monika exclaimed, pulling her hands off Sayori's desk to press them together, "You, and me, and maybe two or three other people... I can't think of a more wonderful club, Sayori. I really hope that you can go from maybe that would be fine, to definitely!"

Sayori hesitated a moment, then grinned up at Monika, "You know what? Screw it, sure! I'll be vice president! And now, as vice president, it's my responsibility to help you recruit new members! Uhh... Well, I mean, I saw a first year hiding what looked like boxes of books in one of the classrooms upstairs. Then there's Yuri! I was in the same class as her last year, and she always had her nose in a book, like, all the time. How about one of them?"

"Sayori, my dear," Monika said, smirking as she turned to the door leading out of the classroom, "If you know anything at all about me, you'll know that there is no way I'll settle for any less than both of them."

"You're so ambitious, Monika," Sayori observed as she followed her new leader outside, "That's really admirable, I think!"

"Ambitious? Why, thank you," Monika said, but she wasn't sure she would have called it that at all. Ambition implied positivity, at least on some level. Ambition implied that there would be _some_ positive result from whatever somebody strove for, and Monika didn't there that she was bringing any positivity into the world whatsoever with her goals. The feeling in her heart was not positive. Maybe it was negative, but she wouldn't know. It was something where there had previously been nothing. Chances are, she thought, she would be raining a curse down on whoever joined her club with her by sharing this feeling. Maybe she'd lose it if she shared it... And that was certainly not ambition. Nonetheless, Monika could not stagnate. She wasn't capable of letting herself stagnate, a word which here meant, allow herself to become stagnant. Still, unmoving, never looking for anything better than the disgusting hand she'd been dealt.

Disgusting. That was a visceral word which depicted her emotional state perfectly. It was disgusting, an atrocity similar to somebody defecating in her food, the course her life had so far taken. Whatever she did next, she wouldn't let herself continue dwelling in filth alone. Even if all she accomplished was dragging others into a life as disgusting as hers, that was something. Being in squalor with company had its perks over being in squalor alone, anybody throughout history could note. This may have been a metaphorical squalor, but the general principle held true. Monika didn't want to suffer alone anymore. She didn't care what she had to do to achieve that goal. That was not ambition at all. That was desire. Longing. Even more than that, a twisted lust for the idea of somebody else understanding her on such a deep, disturbing level of burying themselves in emotional manure at her side.

Monika wanted to drag somebody else into her reality.

"Hey, hey, Yuri!" Sayori greeted the next target, snapping Monika out of her thoughts again. They'd seriously walked down the hallway in complete silence... Monika was not making a very good impression on her first club member, and she would never achieve her goal if she revealed what it truly was this early on. She needed to up her fake game. Luckily for her, she got a startling and immediate second chance when Yuri didn't respond at all to Sayori's words.

"Yuri," Monika said, leaning in close to her and scanning the page of the book that Yuri was reading, not touching her but letting her breath practically fall onto Yuri's ear, she surely had to feel the warmth of it if nothing else. Monika kept talking in this position, "Ah, I see that you like fantasy. I have a proposition for you, you know."

"I'm listening," Yuri said, quietly, without even looking up. She seemed afraid, but not specifically of Monika. More, she was frightened by the mere happening of a social situation. Monika could work with this, too. She doubted that Yuri was somebody who didn't feel alive, not like Sayori or herself, but Yuri was still ripe to share the feeling with. Ripe to be dragged down into the very pits of Monika's thoughts, and soul, and heart.

"I'm starting a literature club," Monika said to her, measuring each of her words with care, "Where we can read, and spend time. It should be generally quiet, and a much nicer place to read than in the hallway after school, yes? I'm sure that I could even convince our faculty advisor to allow reading-related amenities."

"I understand," Yuri said with a slow nod, then closed her book and looked up to Monika, surprised when she realized just how close she was, leaning back and away from her face and stuttering, "A-Ah, I'm sorry! But, um, your club actually sounds very nice... If you wouldn't mind having somebody like me as a member, then I might like to join."

"Mind? Yuri, I would love to have somebody like you join. You seem to have very sophisticated taste in literature, and I can only imagine that you're equally skilled as an author, given what seems to be a reclusive nature on your part," Monika noted.

Yuri brought her hands up to fiddle with her hair, lowering her face so her bangs shadowed her eyes in full as she gave her squeaking response to that, "As an author? I don't think... I'd ever share something that I wrote, you know."

"I guess we'll see," Monika said, clasping her hands behind her back, "Who knows? Maybe the club will be such a warm and welcoming place, that you muster up the courage to share after all. Or it won't, and that will be fine too. I'd just be glad to let you read by yourself, in a wonderful club room. Just having you there would mean the _world_ to me."

"If it would really mean something to you," Yuri pulled off the strange look of simultaneously blushing at being flattered, and frowning. Blushing while frowning was a common symptom of simple embarrassment, yet, but Yuri wore the look in an entirely different way. It was almost as if she was distraught by the very idea of somebody having any interest in her as a person, which was a distinctly sad thing to think about. Monika could tell that she'd discovered Yuri's weak point.

So she continued in that same vein, "Of course it would. Somebody like you, whose passion for literature shows not only through words or actions, but in her appearance, her very essence... You're glowing."

"Hey, no fair, Monika!" Sayori protested, "I didn't get a speech about my virtues!"

"Sh," Monika hushed Sayori, then turned her attention to Yuri again, "So, come on. Can you really say no to an offer like this?"

"I'm still on the fence-" Yuri started to protest, but Monika cut her off.

"Can you really say no to an offer like this?" Monika repeated.

"Ah... Okay, then," Yuri said, standing up from her desk, "I'll join the literature club."

"Wonderful!" Monika exclaimed, then led the way out of the room again, putting a small gap in place so Yuri wouldn't hear as she grabbed Sayori's arm and said to her, "Sayori, you want a speech, you'll get a speech. I simply didn't think you needed one. I'd be happy to extoll your virtues any time, but not while we're collecting members for our club."

"Oh! Okay," Sayori said, accepting that as an answer, then pointed toward the stairs, "Say, Monika? Maybe that first year who was hiding the books is still in that classroom. Why don't we go have a look?"

"That's a good idea, Sayori," Monika said, slowing down a bit to give Yuri a chance to catch up as she continued, "See, I knew that I could count on you. Somebody so bright and reliable, has got to be the perfect vice president for any club in this whole entire world!"

"I wouldn't go that far," Sayori chuckled, scratching the side of her cheek as she glanced away, "But whether that was an actual compliment, or just you extolling my virtues 'cause I complained... I'll take it!"

"You're cute, Sayori," Monika said, offhandedly as she climbed the stairs, then stepped aside to let Sayori show her which classroom it was that this supposed first year had wandered into, squirreling away a collection of Illegal Books. Sayori led the way inside, and all three club members immediately froze as the small girl digging in the closet stared at them, caught like a raccoon out in the middle of the road at midnight after the driver has somehow managed to peel to a stop in time. Monika was the one to break the stunned silence between them, "Sayori, what were you talking about? Look at her shoes, she's clearly a second year."

"E-Ehh?" Sayori exclaimed, then covered her mouth, preventing herself from saying anything more that she could regret. Like, 'I just thought, because she was so small,' or something like that. Monika could tell. It was especially kind of Sayori to overcome her impulses to remain polite toward this stranger.

"What do you guys want...?" The girl asked.

"Natsuki," Yuri managed to speak up, "What are you doing in the closet there?"

"Nothing!" Natsuki protested, then locked eyes with Monika, "Again, what do you want!?"

"You're hiding your books in there, aren't you?" Monika asked, tilting her head but maintaining the eye contact, "It's okay, you know. I'm making a club. A literature club. If you joined, then you could store your books in that classroom, legally!"

Natsuki glanced between the closet and Monika, then spoke again, still on the defensive, "Can I _trust_ you?"

"I can't see why not," Monika said, breaking the eye contact to look up at the ceiling as she thought about what to say next to Natsuki, "If you're referring to your taste in literature, well, I can't say that I would judge you for that. Whether it's trite magazines or depraved erotica, I won't hold judgement against you at all. Is that what you need to trust us over?"

Natsuki hesitated one more time, then whispered, but loud enough to be heard across the room, " _It's manga..._ "

"Ah!" Monika exclaimed, "Nothing wrong with that! Manga is just another media form, isn't it? It can come in all the same genres as novels can, but delivered in a different fashion. I think that they're equally wonderful, to tell you the truth! And I'm sure that everyone here will at least not judge you for your tastes, even if they don't think the same way as I do."

"Well I guess... If you'll give me a place to keep my manga... I can humor you and be your fourth member! But you better be grateful to me, for letting you become an official club, you know!" Natsuki decided, stepping away from the closet and putting her hands on her hips, "Don't expect me to make cupcakes for you or anything like that, though..."

\---

Natsuki made cupcakes for the literature club several times.

It had been more than two months, now, since Monika founded the club. She hadn't yet shared the feeling in her heart, but that would come, that would come with time. She'd do it eventually, but there was one strange thing she'd discovered with the club. She had four feelings. Four feelings, and she'd figured out names for them. Literature, Yuri, Natsuki, and Sayori. Those were her feelings. In spite of her initial goal to drag them into her world, she was becoming attached. She didn't want to hurt them. But she wanted them to join her reality, nonetheless. She wanted to tear down the barrier between herself, and every one of her precious club members. The Literature Club was all she had. It was her everything. Her world.

Monika made her choice.

Her club members would join her in her reality, and they would like it. Whether they wanted to or not. She would be sure of it. She was Monika, after all. Only a Monika could be capable of something like this.

Just Monika.

Monika, and Natsuki, and Sayori, and Yuri.

All of those feelings on their own were little somethings which meant nearly nothing.

Together, it was something else.

Something twisting her up from the inside out.

Monika was terrified to fall in love with the entire Literature Club. Too bad she'd already done it.


	2. Just Monika and Sayori

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohTeYnPOzYo listen to this while reading if you like
> 
> Anyway this chapter I attempt to write poems in the characters' styles great I don't do poetry I just hope they came out half okay

Every day in the Literature Club was lovely, Monika thought. It was lovely beyond anything she'd ever experienced before, to be able to expence everything she'd ever cared about at the same time. Reading was good enough on its own, but with these girls in the mix... It was perfect. More than perfect. It was all that should have been right in the world, and maybe that was why Monika hadn't made her move yet. She still wanted to spread her feeling, of course. And she wanted those girls to join her in her reality.

The thing was, she wasn't bored yet. She didn't yet tire of having simple joys, and she wanted to hold onto it for as long as she was able. As long as she was actually able to feel somewhat happy, she wouldn't throw that away, not for any goal. She'd achieve her goal at any cost... To anybody else. It didn't have to be at any cost to her. She didn't have to give anything up, because she was in control. She wouldn't take action until the day when had nothing left to lose. That day was approaching, of course. Certain things were starting to become bland which had once meant so much to her. The simple flavors of Natsuki's cupcakes and Yuri's tea... And the shared footsteps with Sayori, walking her home despite living a good ways across town.

Walking with Sayori, however, felt somehow natural to Monika. Like Sayori was meant to be walking home with somebody, and Monika had stepped into that role with all the grace of a wasp laying her eggs in the flesh of a caterpillar. It wasn't hard to do, and Monika was glad to do it, too. It was extra time that she got to spend with Sayori, and Sayori was still one of her feelings, after all. Glad... Was a strange word to finally be using, but Monika had come to read her own feelings in a very specific manner. The four feelings which she had come up with names for, they could masquerade as other feelings. As long as it was related to those three girls and her beloved literature, Monika was coming to experience for the first time in her memory a full spectrum of human emotion.

Monika loved it. She loved finally being able to take some zest in life, twisted as she knew that zest was. She was only Monika, and it was unlikely that any of her precious club members would actually fall for her just by getting to know her. That filled Monika with a particular dread and jealousy. She was desirable to men, this was certain, and that actually backfired on her quite a bit. After all, even if any of the girls would naturally fall for her, they'd perish the thought of taking her from any of her many male admirers.

Monika had no interest in any of _those_ people. They may as well have been faceless beings, meaningless and pointless in the course of her life. Surely, they had their own lives and stories, but she had no interest in serving as a character in any of those. As far as Monika was concerned, the only story which deserved her was the story where she made everyone she loved fall in love with her. All three of them. It was a daunting task, and would be for anybody.

That was how love triangles happened, after all. But it was too much to choose just one of them! Monika couldn't imagine loving a single one of her club members without loving all of the other ones at the same time. Perhaps that was because of her broken emotions, that Sayori for example, as much as Monika loved her, could only offer Monika a fragment of emotion to feel. Monika needed all four fragments to feel happy, to feel love, to feel anger and jealousy and sadness and dread and absolute utter lesbian despair-

Monika couldn't let that consume her, though. She would remedy those feelings eventually. She would acquire what she wanted, she had no doubt in her heart. Of all those feelings, there wasn't any doubt in there, that she would eventually achieve her deepest, darkest desires. All of them. For now, though, she was walking Sayori home. It was a time to be kind. To be friendly. To be sweet. As if those traits would truly make Sayori see the truth, but couldn't Monika try?

"So, Sayori," Monika started, moving on from an inane conversation about the general tiers of different types of sweets, a conversation that would certainly benefit from Natsuki's input during the next day's club meeting, "These past few months with the Literature Club have been really great, don't you think? But there are other things we could be spending club time on too. Talking and reading, and drinking tea... It's all well and good, but shouldn't we have some sort of activity, a fun assignment?"

"Ah! You're right!" Sayori exclaimed, pressing her hands together, "I never thought of that! But, shouldn't we do something like... A book club? Where we actually have to all read the same thing, so that we can talk about it?"

"Mm, I was thinking about something like that," Monika noted, leaning forward to look at Sayori's face while they walked. Not just look, stare. Memorize. The coral pink hair tied back with a cute bow, those blue eyes, slightly chubby cheeks. One of three images of perfection that Monika was blessed with seeing, "But also, did you know? Yuri and Natsuki... They both write their own poetry, all the time. I'd really like to see it sometime."

"Oh, they do?" Sayori asked, blinking a few times, then letting a smile that could stop the world in its tracks spread across her face, "Wow, now I want to see it too! But I bet you've asked before, right?"

"They're shy about it," Monika said, "But I bet if we worked together, Sayori, we could make it a club activity to exchange poems with each other! We can say that they should be all-new poems, so that if the old ones are too personal, those two don't have to share anything they'd be especially embarrassed about."

"That's a great idea!" Sayori exclaimed, but then pouted and looked away, "But... Then we'd both have to write poems too, right Monika? You're the founder of the club, so I bet you'd be great at it, but I haven't really written anything since I was a lot younger."

Monika couldn't help but giggle a little at Sayori's melodramatic display, clasping her hands together and turning her head, letting her ponytail fall past her face to hang in the air over the pavement in her attempt to keep her eyes on Sayori's face as she spoke again, "Well, I have to say, I was expecting you to say you hadn't ever written a poem. Don't worry about it, Sayori. I'm certain that you have the talent within you, and I can coach you, too! As funny as it sounds, to say I'd be your literature coach..."

Sayori turned back to Monika, who quickly straightened up to be at a more natural angle, "Wow, Monika. You'd really do that for me?"

"Jeez, don't be so surprised," Monika said, "Of course I will. I have to support my club members in any way possible, after all, and this is certainly a way to support you."

Sayori hesitated a moment, then blurted in earnest, "Come into my house today! Don't just leave me at the door, come inside and help me write a poem!"

"Today?" Monika asked, tucking her hair back behind her ear as she thought about it. This would be the perfect opportunity, to make a move, but... No, she couldn't do that yet. Right now, she thought, she could be satisfied with helping Sayori to write a poem. She had all the time in the world, after all. Graduation... Didn't scare her at all. She was Monika, after all, and she'd find a way to hold onto the ones she loved even if she was a year above them in school. Somehow, even death didn't frighten her at all, or growing old. In some way, she felt, she would be able to be with these people forever, and ever, until the end of time itself. Perhaps that was just her wishful heart speaking, but she chose to believe in it, because that made her happier than denying the clear falsehood. She made her decision, "Yes, of course. We can each write a poem, and critique each other. I'm sure you could find something in mine that should be different, after all."

"Hurray!" Sayori exclaimed, then suddenly wrapped both hands around one of Monika's wrists. Monika suddenly realized she had very small wrists, because Sayori's hands were far from large, but even a single one could completely encircle her wrist. Sayori could, if she so desired, handcuff Monika with only her fingers... Because how could Monika ever struggle, if _Sayori_ put her in that position? It was unlikely, a mere fantasy, but the pads of Sayori's fingers against her skin, laced around the underside of her wrists where her veins shone through a pale blue. While Monika kept her nails trimmed neatly, for the sake of practicing piano, Sayori seemed that she may have a habit of biting hers. They were of such varying lengths, with jagged edges that Monika thought, she didn't like to bleed, she hated the feeling of being scratched... But were it Sayori's fingernails-

"Hey, Monika!" Sayori snapped her out of her thoughts with a joke in her voice and the hint of a sparkle in her eye, a surprising sight to Monika, a sign of actual life within Sayori's soul, "You're all red! Heh, could it be that _you're_ actually kind of embarrassed to share your writing too?"

"Maybe a little bit..." Monika trailed off, looking away from Sayori now to try and hide the apparent reddening of her cheeks. She would rather lie and say she was nervous about a thing like that, than to even give off the slightest hint of what she'd actually been thinking in that moment. It wasn't time to show her true colors yet, she kept telling herself that. She was content in the current world order, she didn't want to mess it up until she was truly bored.

She had to tell herself that, though, because it was difficult to be around these girls without wanting so much to act on every single little thought she had, every small fantasy about what could be done to her or what she could do to any detail about those three. If Monika didn't rein herself in... Well, she'd accomplish her goal sooner, that's what would happen.

Nonetheless, she was afraid. What if she became bored after she got what she wanted? She couldn't just give in to the temptation and let _that_ happen, of course not. She would never be able to forgive herself if she just ruined it out of nowhere.

Out of nowhere? A funny thing to call a ruin. Ruins took time. They didn't just happen, excepting the case of an air raid or a nuclear explosion. Even still, ruin gave off the sense of having been broken for a long time already. Falling apart not only through abandonment but through the passage of time. It was strange, by that definition, to believe that a human being could actually ruin anything. Humans could break things. Destroy them, snap them, crush them, blow them up, burn them to the ground, annihilate them. But the only humans who could create ruins... Were the ones who built the structures which one day became those ruins. Time created ruins. Not humanity. They only helped.

Monika stopped at Sayori's doorstep as they arrived. Someday, this house would probably become a ruin. It might take a very long time. Maybe the ruins would only be dust. But it would be a ruin, one day. Monika couldn't contribute to that in any way. It would only happen, and no action from her could speed or prevent it. So too, she decided, she could never actually ruin what she had with her club members.

After all, as long as she could be around them... Whether it was sharing the club, or entirely possessing them as her own. As long as she had them. Her feelings could not become a ruin. Time would not erode them. The environment would not harm them. Monika would not abandon them. Never.

"So, Monika!" Sayori said, holding her arms behind her back as she turned to her, "This is the first time you'll be coming inside my house... It's a bit messy, I gotta warn you. Also, my parents aren't home very often, and I'm an only child, so I can't blame it on anyone else. Please don't hold it against me too much!"

"Don't worry about it, Sayori," Monika said, "My home is a bit messy too, if I'll be completely honest with you. Maybe someday you can come visit me, too."

Sayori just chuckled nervously as she pulled out her key and opened the door, stepping inside her house which seemed entirely empty. The walls were quite bare, the ceilings high, and though there were items strewn all about the floor, it seemed under-decorated. Monika could tell a number of things, looking at this house. Sayori did not have permission to mess with anything outside of her own room, probably.

Sayori was also, at the same time, the only person who truly lived here. Her parents didn't seem to view this house as a place to live in, but a place to stay in between wherever it was that they were always 'out of town' to. More like a hotel room than an actual home. Sayori made it her home in as much as a high school girl with no real income could. Sayori infested the walls and floor and ceiling of this lonely home with her own brand of emptiness.

It welcomed Monika like an old friend. No one, invited to enter nothing. She slipped her shoes off at the door, then glanced down to the slippers. There were only one pair of guest slippers, and they were for men.

She slipped them on anyway. They were much too large on her feet, but she doubted that she'd be doing much walking around the house anyhow. Her eyes fell more on Sayori's slippers, which were cuter than she could have ever anticipated. The toe portion had the face of a panda on them, seemingly hand-painted on to brighten up a pair of dull, cream-colored house slippers.

"Ah, Monika," Sayori said, glancing at her feet, "I don't mind if you just wear your socks in! Eheh... I should probably get some more guest slippers, now that I've actually made some friends my age, huh?"

Monika immediately stepped out of the much-too-large slippers, a bit impressed that Sayori noticed the problem. Then again, Sayori was probably well-aware before she even invited Monika that none of the guest slippers which she owned were actually suited to a fellow high-school girl. Monika took a few steps forward, then turned back to Sayori with a soft smile, "So, are you going to give me the grand tour, or shall we just sit down and start on the poems?"

"Grand tour?" Sayori asked, chuckling even more than she had before she opened the door, "No, I think it's fine if we just stay in this room!"

"Oh, I see," Monika said, leaning forward and teasing, "Your room is a _big_ mess, isn't it, Sayori? You know, maybe I could help you with a few things while I'm here. I'm not a very domestic person, I'll be the first to admit, but if you're feeling overwhelmed by all the things you need to do around the house, I could give you a break for the evening."

Sayori scratched at her cheek, a wobbly smile on her face as she sat down on the couch, shoulders slouched in her embarrassment, "Ah, yeah you're... Right. I keep thinking that I need to clean it, but then by the time I've made dinner for myself, and got a shower, it just seems like such a pain to clean my room too, you know?"

"Of course," Monika said, "I have those days too, Sayori. But I'm feeling particularly energized today, so I'd be really glad to help out. I can make curry, if you don't mind something so simple... And while I can't necessarily make the call of which of your possessions should be thrown away or donated, I can at least try and get them more organized for you."

"But Monika," Sayori whined, "I invited you over to write poems, not to do my chores for me... You're gonna make me feel bad!"

"We have plenty of time," Monika said, putting her hands on her hips as she did, "After all, Sayori, I'm not afraid of walking home in the dark or anything like that. I'm athletic too, you know! If anyone dared to attack me, I'm sure that I could fend them off. We can do both. Poems, and chores. Why don't we put on some upbeat classical music? That always helps me get things done, it might work for you too."

"Upbeat classical?" Sayori asked, "You mean like, piano music?"

Monika laughed a little, then nodded. She laughed so much more among her club members than she ever did, even fake laughter, before she met them, "Yes, like piano music. Don't tell the others yet, but I've actually been learning to play, so I've discovered a fondness for it."

"Your secret's safe with me!" Sayori said, clapping her hands together, "Even though, I don't know why you wanna keep it a secret, I know how that can be. My lips are locked and sealed and all that junk!"

"Thank you, Sayori," Monika said, then sat down next to her and pulled a pen out of the pocket in her skirt, holding it up. It had a small plastic heart on one end, "Anyway, let's write some poems. I always keep a pen with me, but do you have any paper?"

"Of course!" Sayori exclaimed, standing back up with a bounce in her step as she ran to her room, leaving the door only slightly ajar behind her. Monika couldn't see inside, but that was okay. She'd have ample opportunity to look inside later, after they'd each written their poems and Monika went to clean Sayori's room for her. She could hear inside, though, as the door wasn't even very heavy and could probably be listened through if it were closed all the way. Sayori mumbled, items shuffled. Sayori cursed, and there was more shuffling, like something was being hidden.

Monika just sat there and listened with her eyes closed, hearing Sayori looking for something to write on. There was some secret in there for Monika to find, she gleaned from that one moment of panic she overheard. It was unlikely that the secret would be a surprise to her, but she would find it anyway. Should she steal something of Sayori's while she was here, she wondered? Something to keep at home?

No, she decided, as much as she might like to. Stealing a crush's things... Well, that just wasn't her style. She wasn't attached to their possessions. She was attached to them. And even if clothing swept from Sayori's laundry hamper might smell like her, or thieving a chapstick might feel almost like kissing her-Monika knew that if she did that to Sayori, she would need to find some way to do the same to Natsuki and Yuri both. She would just be frustrated if she didn't have a complete set.

With that decision made, and Sayori's sounds turned fully innocent again, Monika pulled out her phone and set it up to play some music. It was a famously upbeat tune, Gustav Holst's _Jupiter_. It made Monika think of Sayori, between its cheeriness which almost felt manufactured, and the mere name of it. Jupiter. A huge planet, with a number of moons circling it... An objectively amazing planet, Monika thought. Superior to all smaller, lesser-mooned planets. Monika did like others, in Holst's _The Planets_ series of music, but none of them felt as particular as this.

She tuned into the music instead, ignoring now the shuffling in Sayori's room. She felt a pang in her chest. A sudden knocking desire of the feeling she called "Sayori", pressing itself into her sternum and demanding of her, something unique to the feeling of Sayori, a wish and a want that came only on that feeling and none of the other three.

Monika wanted to see Sayori dance. Wanted to see Sayori dance to this song. She was always moving around. Physically energetic, even if not mentally. She could move in another way. She could move to music. To this music. To music that seemed it was made for Sayori.

"Hey Monika!" Sayori broke her out of her trance, again, with those same words as she returned, brandishing a composition notebook in one hand. She then paused as she noticed the music, and her smile grew a little more as she observed it, "Ah, you were right. This music isn't half bad! It kind of does make me want to get things done..."

"If it took you that long to find a notebook in your room," Monika observed, holding her pen to her cheek, "Then I guess I'm in for a bit of a challenge, hm? Don't worry, I'm not backing out or anything. What sort of friend would I be if I flaked out on you like that?"

Sayori sat down with her own pen in hand, and tore a page from the notebook, holding it out to Monika, "I think you'd still be a pretty good friend. My room is a beast that none have yet tamed."

"Hey, that's kind of poetic," Monika said as she took the paper, "See, you're getting into the right mood already!"

"It was?" Sayori asked, and Monika nodded, to which Sayori laughed, "Well, I say stuff like that all the time! This might be easier than I thought!"

"I believe it will be," Monika said, smoothing her paper down on the table in front of her and holding her pen poised above it. She didn't want to put it down until she knew how to start, or she'd just end up with an inky puddle, "Because Sayori, you have a poet's soul. I truly believe that."

"If you say so, Monika!" Sayori said, then started scribbling in the notebook. Monika set to work as well. Writing poetry was something which came naturally to her, she'd found. It was a way to express her feelings, something she evidently had quite a bit of trouble with under normal circumstances. She didn't know how much time passed before she was finished, but she turned up with a poem that she could be satisfied with.

 

~~

"Warm And Cold Days"

There are some days when warmth reaches me.

I'm not searching for the warmth, not reaching out.

I can't see why I should need to do that.

But then, a beam of sunlight streams through.

The glass pane of the window can't protect me.

And my arm grows hot.

I know that if I'm not careful,

Even with this shield...

 

I'll be

burned.

 

Warm days are frightening to me.

But when the sky is overcast, then...

The cold reaches me.

Try as I might to enjoy it.

 

I

shiver.

 

My spine and skin tingling with the draft,

Swirling through the broken window.

I find I preferred warmth after all.

Even as it

burns,

It's got a nice feeling there too.

 

I don't want to lose it.

But I broke the window already.

 

 

Maybe now the warm days will also be cold.

 

 

And maybe that will be

better.

~~

 

Monika looked it over again. She thought it wasn't too obvious, anyway. The one thing she found was that, once something was on her mind, she couldn't write poems about anything else. Her brain filled up with the pressure, buzzing around, and she could think of nothing else to write about. Clearly, this was about her feelings, to her. To anyone else, however, she doubted they would make the connection.

Certainly not any of the girls, she knew that much. Even if any of them had a shot at realizing what the words meant, women were famously oblivious at realizing when another woman liked _them_. At worst, they'd think Monika liked a boy. She hesitated one more moment, then held her paper out to Sayori, simply holding it there in the air for several minutes until Sayori looked up and took it from her fingers, not even noticing how long she'd been there. Too focused on her poem.

Sayori wordlessly passed the notebook back over to Monika, and she trained her eyes on the first page immediately, feasting her eyes on Sayori's poem.

~~

"Grateful"

I used to think that everything was okay.

That it was the way things had to be.

That this was how things had always

And always would be.

 

But I opened a door and there stood a path.

A path forward, but I was allowed to stand still and I thought,

Probably,

I'd be better off staying where I was. I didn't need to change.

This was my normal, but the path was so inviting, beyond the door.

Kindness pulling me by my fingertips into a world where my normal wasn't normal.

 

I wanted to say to that kindness, thank you.

But at the same time, I found myself full of regret.

When my normal's not normal, what do I do?

Somehow I just want to forget.

Ever meeting you.

 

Then I realize that I would hate that even more.

So I curse the kindness which made me meet a smile.

And I thank it in the same breath.

 

~~

 

Monika felt that she immediately grasped Sayori's poem, turning to her and nodding slowly as she spoke, "I knew you had a poet's soul, Sayori. This is really good. But you know, you're wrong. Your normal's normal for us too. We're just like you. We can hide it really well."

"Ah, Monika," Sayori looked away, fidgeting in place, "I mean, that poem... It isn't my real feelings. Um, not most of the time, I mean. I just thought, poetry is supposed to be deep, right? So I thought about the dark place my brain goes to sometimes, when I've woken up on the wrong side of the bed, and I tried to put that in words."

"It's okay, Sayori," Monika said, standing up and setting the notebook down on the table, standing directly in front of where Sayori sat, "I understand. I'll go and clean your room now, okay?"

"Okay," Sayori said with a nod, though she seemed apprehensive. Of course she would, Monika thought. There was one thing she suddenly realized Monika shouldn't see in that room. There could be more. But telling Monika no, now, would just be equally as suspicious. Monika had backed Sayori into a corner here, in the guise of simple compassion.

If it was so easy to do that when Monika wasn't even pulling out all the stops, she decided, making Sayori hers wouldn't be so difficult.

And although Monika told herself she wouldn't steal any of Sayori's things, she found herself leaving that house with a secret hidden in her bag. A secret she took, not to have something which belonged to Sayori, but to deprive Sayori of it. A simple length of rope. Monika knew she'd find it while cleaning up. Sayori didn't hide things well.

And Monika knew all about Sayori.


	3. Just A Feeling

Monika felt heavy as she walked home from Sayori's house. It wasn't that she felt fat after eating too much of her own curry, Sayori insisting that if she was going to get seconds, Monika needed to as well to keep her from feeling like she was just stuffing her face. That may have been a part of it.

The real reason she felt heavy, however, was what lay inside her bag. It wasn't a heavy item, at least, not by nature. This rope wasn't long enough to be physically heavy, but being physically heavy was a very different thing from being heavy out of meaning. Strings, woven tightly to each other, slightly fraying at the ends... There was only one reason that Sayori would have this. And only one reason Sayori would hide this. If it were somehow an innocent craft, then that would be one thing, but Sayori wouldn't have bothered trying to keep it out of view.

Monika knew that it was there as an idea. It served one true purpose, and that was to _be there_. Sayori had practiced with tying it before. It was there as a thought, for the convenience that Sayori knew it would be there if she ever decided to go through with it. Monika could imagine her, sitting on her bed, running her fingers over the coils of the rope and wondering if today way the day. Knowing Sayori, it would just be little things which talked her out of it. Not tonight, she couldn't abandon her partner on the big school project. Not tonight, she didn't tie it right, may as well untie it and try again tomorrow. Not tonight, the Literature Club can't lose its vice president. Can't lose a member. Not even a member like _her_ , she probably thought to herself. Maybe Sayori just saw herself as a body to keep the club going.

If that had kept her alive for just one night, then Monika had to feel proud. And she knew, too, that if Sayori really and truly decided it was time to die, she'd find a way to do it. But not having the rope, that would keep her from considering as often. Monika would like to say that she had no idea how bad it was, but she knew. She knew from the moment she asked Sayori to join her club. And she knew just how much small inconveniences could cancel a suicide attempt.

After all, Monika had only recently learned to see meaning in life. An empty existence, stretching out ahead of her, she thought that she shouldn't bother with that. But then, she didn't have any despair driving her. Just nothing. Nothing at all in her present or future, from where she stood. Maybe she would never feel sadness. But she would never feel joy. That was an existence to end. Monika thought, before the Literature Club, she easily could have killed herself.

It was just inconvenience which prevented her, each time she thought she might try.

Sayori was a lot like Monika, but a lot different too. Monika was well aware that Sayori's depression, though built on the foundation of a lack of motivation and meaning in life, had other forces driving it too. Unlike Monika, who couldn't even muster up the feelings to care if she was causing trouble for other people, Sayori worried that she was a burden on others. Unlike Monika, who lived without hesitation a robotic life, Sayori wondered if she should get out of bed at all, let alone follow a routine.

Monika was not depressed, she was emotionless. And while there were similarities, there were differences too. Sayori was a danger to herself at times. A particularly bad day. A particularly good day that she felt she didn't deserve. Nobody had ever really tried to help her. She hadn't talked to anybody about it and she had certainly never tried any medicine to regulate her serotonin levels; Monika knew that she would be much better off if she just had some support, some professional support.

Monika couldn't offer that to her, of course.

And Monika...

Didn't take that rope for Sayori's sake at all.

Monika took that rope for her own sake. Monika took that rope because she didn't want to lose Sayori, and that was it, that was her entire reason. Monika was well aware that Sayori would probably be better off dead, than continuing to be involved with Monika, and especially better off dead than actually getting sucked into Monika's reality. Saving Sayori's life in this indirect manner was beyond selfish. 

Monika didn't care about being selfish, though. As far as Monika was concerned, she was more important... The things she wanted were more important than everything else in this whole entire world. Monika was a selfish person. She didn't care who or what she needed to destroy to achieve her goals. That went even beyond selfish. A selfish person was one who never thought of others. Monika thought about others, and made the decision that her wants were more important than their needs.

She was important beyond belief. Somebody like her just had to be, yes? Normal people didn't lose interest in the world. Monika was important, literature was important, and those girls were important. As far as she was concerned, everything else could burn. It was most certainly a bad way of thinking, to give herself such importance, but it wasn't like she was going to change anytime soon.

Even if she recognized that it was cruel, selfish, perhaps even sadistic... Monika couldn't reconcile it in her mind, to think of the world at large as humans. They were extras in her story.

Even her own family. Monika had parents. They were not chronically absent, but they always seemed to leave the house whenever she so much as thought she’d prefer they weren’t there. It was uncanny. She didn’t need them gone today, though. She breezed right past them and upstairs to her room, where she set her bookbag down on her bed, letting it sink into the feather duvet as she stood it up on end. She held it by both sides, then with one hand as she gently turned the flap to the other side, then reached in. The rough twine was unmistakable.

She let her hand sit there, but for a moment, fingers on the rope while her wrist brushed the side of her bag, her knuckles the book she was currently reading. She closed her eyes. Took a deep breath. Sayori had received small splinters of twine off this rope before. If Monika did the same… It would be a shared experience, wouldn’t it? But, she didn’t need that. She was no hopeless obsessive who needed to grasp at straws, using mere items that her loves once possessed. She had no doubt that she would obtain the people themselves, and so, she didn't need to humor herself with poor excuses for them in the form of their belongings.

Monika let go of the rope in her bookbag and pulled her hand out, closing the flap back over before she swung the bag by its strap onto the floor beside her bed, instead. It rested against the cherry woodframe, sat on the large pink rug which formed a circle beneath and around her bed on the hardwood floor. She stepped over to her closet and pulled it open, shuffling through a drawer in the bottom half and coming up with a set of pajamas.

Monika stepped away from the closet, shutting it with the pajamas draped over one arm. She took a deep breath, then set the clothes down on her vanity and reached up, untying the ribbon which kept her hair up. She undressed, putting on the pajamas she'd selected, then locked eyes with herself in the mirror.

She didn't look the way she'd expect somebody like her to look. That was a strange thing for Monika to think about herself, but strange as it was, she knew it to be true. She looked much more innocent than she felt, than she had ever felt. Monika wasn't sure how, but she felt as if there wasn't anything left that she didn't know about. It wasn't like she was omniscient and had nothing left that she could learn, but rather... She knew most things existed. She wouldn't ever be caught off guard by new information, and she'd felt this way for a long time. Innocence wasn't something that was familiar to her, but for how long had her innocence been dead?

It was a strange phenomenon, that nobody could really pinpoint the moment when they lost their childish innocence. When they learned what sort of things existed in the world at large. Murder, rape, torture, suicide. It was just something that happened, and anyone who had the grace to not know about those things by a certain point was plastered with a label calling them naive. Innocence was much more common in concept than in practice.

Even somebody who wasn't guilty of a crime was guilty of something, Monika thought. She had never hurt anybody, never stolen anything excluding Sayori's rope or broken any laws to her knowledge, hadn't even cheated on a test, but she was very guilty nonetheless. Monika was guilty of thinking that she wouldn't care if certain people- The majority of people- were to die. Monika was guilty of thinking about her friends in an unsavory light. Monika was guilty of planning to drag them to Hell with her, even if the method through which she did that wasn't illegal. She was guilty.

She folded her uniform and set it down on top of the vanity, for tomorrow, then went across the room to her desk on the other side of the room, pen in hand. She realized that Sayori hadn't actually commented on her poem... How forgetful. Monika brought a hand up to cover her mouth, to hide from nobody that she giggled a bit at Sayori's mistake. Nobody was watching her in her own room, except herself.

Even now, when Monika embraced the fact that those four feelings coalesced to become love, she found herself taken off-guard by just how smitten she could be. Why was it endearing, to see a small mistake from Sayori? Monika knew it was a result of love, but this was new to her nonetheless. It made her feel foolish, to be made weak by other people after spending so much time untouched and unbothered by anything around her. Feeling foolish at all, however, was an improvement over the past. Monika appreciated being able to feel that at all. The hand she'd used to hide her giggle now clasped over the lower half of her face as she hunched over the desk, other hand holding the pen higher than her own dipped head as she stared at the desk before her.

Monika wanted to pretend like she had adapted to this with as much ease as everything in her life, but she couldn't do it. Adapting to having feelings... To the concept of it, to actually feeling this way, it was overwhelming sometimes. Her heart which had been so cold and empty for so long felt dreadfully full, like it would expand until it burst straight from her chest, spattering the whole room in her blood. Those faceless parents of hers, what would they think if that really happened? What would anyone think? Monika shook, and shook, then started to scribble on the notebook she always kept on her desk, her handwriting faltering but her writing exorcising the demon of emotional stress that had suddenly taken her over.

~~~

"Explode"

If my heart was to   
E x p l o d e  
What would they think?

If their hearts were to

Explode.  
I wouldn't think a thing.

They don't mean to me  
a  
thing.

But the faceless would think  
If my heart  
E x p l o d e d

They would need to.

Faceless - Family  
Would wonder  
"Where did we go wrong?"

 

"Where did we ever go wrong?"

 

 

"We never noticed Breaking Monika."  
"We never noticed that Breaking Monika was breaking."

"We never noticed she was called Breaking Monika."

 

"Just Monika."

 

Faceless - police  
Would need to search.  
Need to think real hard.  
"How did she die?"

 

"Hearts do not just explode."

 

 

"This had to be a homicide."  
"This had to be a suicide."  
"This had to be a freak accident."  
"This was all of the above."

 

Monika killing herself with her exploding heart.  
Monika's friends killing Monika by making her heart explode.  
A bizarre occurrence that never should have happened.  
All of it at once.  
If my heart

 

E x p l o d e d.

 

What would you think?  
Because if your hearts  
Exploded

 

I would think so many things.  
I would explode too.

 

 

But your hearts can't

E x p l o d e

 

Just Mine  
Just Monika's

 

Breaking Monika

 

~~~

Monika lifted her pen, taking deep breaths. She wasn't going to reread that poem. She wasn't going to look at it. She squeezed her eyes shut, tore it from her notebook, and shoved it into the back of her drawer, crumpled against the far end in contrast to the stationery laid in perfect stacks, straight-edged and labeled at the top margin. Monika didn't like that poem. All of her poetry was relevant to her at the moment she wrote it, but she felt, never had she so viscerally bled her feelings onto the paper before. Never before had Monika used her own name in a poem.

Rarely had Monika even referred to herself as a person in a poem, in such a way. It was always abstract, a view of something else without a real grasp on herself, or else, putting herself in the form of something else within the poem. An animal, an inanimate object, anything but herself. Anything but Monika. If anybody read that poem, she decided, she would be mortified. Still, she couldn't bring herself to throw it out, either. If she discarded of that poem she felt, somehow, like the feelings she'd taken out on her pen would come rushing back to her instead. She didn't like that. Didn't like those feelings. Some strange devastation that came only from a realization of how intense a feeling could be. It had rocked through her entire soul.

She'd been mostly flippant about this before. Trying to keep her cool. Knowing that she would always find her success eventually, but this time, she was actually invested in reaching that success. She had no track record with accomplishing things that she was truly passionate about. That she truly desired. There was a creeping fear that she could fail to get what she wanted. A creeping confusion because, what did she want exactly? She had all these abstractions of making the ones she loved belong completely to her, to join her in her reality, in the filth of her existence. But what did she really want from them?

She supposed, she had to be bad at something, and understanding herself seemed to be that thing. Feeling... Was a strange skill to be bad at, but Monika could come to terms with that. Maybe not. Maybe she'd just have to keep writing poems she couldn't stand to look at, releasing any and all overwhelming feelings through her pen, scattering her ink all over the fancy stationery, defiling it. Monika stood up from her desk and walked the few steps it took to lie down on her bed instead. She didn't pull the blanket over herself, finding that she just stared up at the ceiling for however long it took sleep to overcome her.

 

\-------

Going through the motions was something Monika was used to, and the moment of weakness the previous night was not about to impact her ability to pretend that she was somebody normal throughout the following day of school. She went to class, as usual. Took the notes and aced a quiz, as usual. School wasn't interesting to Monika, and it didn't help that as a third year, she didn't actually share a class with any of her beloved. She'd been bumped up a year, but had a transitional period of taking a few classes with her original peers the previous year, only to be a full-time third year now. She wasn't any older. Just smarter, she guessed. It wasn't like she meant to do that. Skipping a grade didn't make her feel special. It didn't fulfill her, didn't satisfy her the least bit.

 _Pathetic_ , she thought, holding a hand to her chest midway through the final class of the day, a history lecture. Monika never would have called herself pathetic before. Somehow, she'd previously convinced herself that the faceless were the pathetic ones. Meaningless extras leading meaningless lives, pathetic in their search for meaning. Monika was always above them. Better than them, because she didn't let herself get distracted by stupid things or caught up in the ways of the world. She would see a faceless cry and think, pathetic. See a faceless scream in anger, fall apart laughing, or celebrate anything. How pathetic. Why bother? But now, she knew, she was the pathetic one. Unfulfilled was worse than naive.

Still, now that Monika had these feelings, she didn't want to have been one of the faceless. When she realized that they had something she never could, she felt jealous, and wanted to be born normal. Now, she had something none of them could. Monika was not emotionless. She just needed to wait a little while to receive the emotions she deserved. The faceless were happier than her, they probably always would be, because they had seventeen years of emotion on her. Monika's four feelings, though... She wouldn't give this up for anything. Seventeen years of happy naivete would have been nice once, but now, even as it tore her up inside, Monika wanted to feel these things, feel this way. And that was pathetic. It was okay, though, to be pathetic sometimes. Everybody did it.

When the class finished, Monika made her way to the door out of the room, only to find herself face-to-face with Sayori. Well, not quite that close. Sayori was leaning against the opposite wall, arms crossed over her chest and a bored look on her face, staring up at the ceiling until she noticed Monika and startled, immediately taking a step forward and holding her arms out at her sides with a nervous smile replacing the previous look on her face, "Monika! I-"

"Sayori..." Monika cut her off, tilting her head to the side with a knowing smile, "Did you skip your last class just so you could talk to me? You know, we would see each other when we got to club anyway."

"I didn't skip, I just asked to go to the bathroom when there were five minutes left..." Sayori trailed off, pressing the tips of her fingers together as she averted her gaze. Monika was once more overcome with a wave of affection toward Sayori. Even her nervous habits were beyond adorable. It was strange... If Monika had to apply a different sort of beauty to each of her club members, Natsuki would not receive cute. Sayori would. Natsuki would be pretty, and Yuri would... Well, Yuri would be sexy, Monika couldn't just think of the other two so honestly and shy away from acknowledging the variety of beauty that Yuri carried with her. Though, of course, that was only if she had to use such generic, vague statements. Each of them had galaxies within them that would take Monika a million years to even mentally describe, let alone articulate or write down.

"Anyway!" Sayori continued, restarting her thought process as she did, "I didn't want to wait till we went to the club room, because, um, I guess it's a little more personal, what I wanted to talk to you about? I realized last night, that I totally forgot... To tell you what I thought about the poem you showed me. And I was thinking, also, maybe you wouldn't want Yuri or Natsuki to overhear? Hahah... Now that I say it out loud, it sounds kind of dumb that I thought about that, since we were planning to share poems with everybody anyway..."

"I wasn't going to share _that_ poem, Sayori," Monika said, reaching out toward Sayori's arm but not quite touching her, feeling the warmth of her skin from inches away, "So, thank you! You were right to think about me like that. Heh, I was going to write a new poem to share with the others anyway. After all, I write poems based on the moment I'm in. That moment, I was in your home, so it was a poem for you and me. Sharing that with the others might be just as bad as describing your house to them."

Sayori thought about that for a moment, then nodded, leaning forward as she spoke again in a nearly-conspiratory whisper that Monika could barely hear over the background chatter of the hallway, but of course she heard it, because she hung on every word Sayori said as if each one was the rope she'd stolen, "That explains it, then! Your poem... I don't know anything about the way poetry's supposed to work or anything, but I can tell you how your poem made me feel. It was less like a story of anything, and just, feelings. At the same time, it felt really distant, and really intimate. I guess that's what the cold and the warm would be, huh? And my house kind of feels like... That."

"Like that?" Monika asked for clarification.

"Yeah," Sayori said, pulling back a little and returning to a regular volume, "It's warm and inviting like home should always be, right? But then it's also, at the same time, not at all. It's empty and lonely, even though it still feels like home to me because I grew up there. It's intimate and distant all at the same time. Warm and cold."

"Wow, Sayori," Monika noted, holding a hand to her chin as she gave Sayori a smile, faked but hopefully convincing. If Sayori had figured out that much, Monika was actually concerned that she could realize more about it. The fact that Sayori of all people picked up on intimacy... "My expectations for you were high, and you were still able to surpass them. I'm impressed."

"Whaat?" Sayori asked, chuckling as she clasped her hands together, "Uh, I thought that I was probably totally wrong about that, after all, I'm not good at this at all!"

"You're better than you think," Monika assured her, "The perfect Vice President I ever could have asked for. So, shall we visit the club room?"

"Right!" Sayori said with a nod, then turned and started to run in that direction without warning. Monika watched her go for just a few moments before following after, though at a regular pace. When she arrived to the club room and opened the door, she discovered that the other two had already been there, and it wasn't like she could control her blood. She blushed.

"Ah, sorry to be the last one here, everyone..." Monika chuckled, "Not very presidential of me, is it?"

"Noo, Monika!" Sayori complained, then turned to the others, "She's being dumb! It's totally presidential, the reason she's late is because of me, so if anyone's not being a good example of club leadership, then it's me!"

"None of us were going to say anything about it..." Yuri mumbled, looking away, "At least not once you got here-" She froze, and waved a hand in front of herself defensively, "Ah! I let too much slip again!"

"Now you've gone and done it!" Natsuki hissed at Yuri, but then turned to Monika with her hands on her hips and took a deep breath. To many, a girl this short taking such a stance of building courage might be comical. To Monika, it seemed like a natural look on Natsuki. Like Natsuki was meant to be the sort of person that pose would make sense on, if not for something going wrong, "Okay, Monika, I'll be the first to admit it! Yuri and I were wondering why you were late, and we sort of thought that maybe you got a boyfriend and forgot all about us! O-Of course, I said that was ridiculous. You'd never abandon us for some boy!"

Monika blinked. She waited a moment, before giving her smiling response, a laugh working its way into her words. This wasn't disarming, this was genuine amusement at the thought, "Abandon the Literature Club for a boyfriend? You know, I couldn't think of anything more unlikely than for me to do that. I can't believe you even thought of it."

"Yeah, Yuri!" Natsuki said, grinning as she pointed a finger, "Why would you dream up such a ridiculous idea of why Monika was late?"

"Me?" Yuri asked, then narrowed her eyes and let a bit of venom creep into her voice as well, "Unless I've suddenly become delusional, Natsuki, you brought up the idea first. I only agreed with you. How dare you throw me under the bus like that in front of Monika?"

Natsuki dropped her accusing finger, stammering for words in shock for a moment before giving up, "Dang, Yuri. Didn't know you had that side to you. Sorry."

Yuri brought her hands up to her face and turned away, back to her usual, soft-spoken self, "It's fine, I just... Don't like being made into a scapegoat, okay? Especially not... Well, Natsuki, this club is really important to me. I don't want to lose it."

"Huh?" Natsuki said, walking towards Yuri with a bit of panic now setting in to show on her face. Monika wondered if she ought to intervene, but she somehow just wanted to observe, "Yuri, it's really important to me too! I'd never try and make you lose the club, or anything like that, I mean... Ugh, not like it's that important! But I wasn't trying to get you kicked out, okay? I just didn't want to look like an idiot."

"And it's okay if I look like an idiot in your place?" Yuri asked, though she was still quiet and didn't seem to be accusing Natsuki of anything anymore, just informing her of why she felt hurt.

Natsuki crossed her arms and groaned, "Well, when it's you, you don't look like an idiot. Monika obviously thinks that you're the smartest person here, one little idiot thing isn't about to make her think you're dumb."

"Girls," Monika finally stepped in, walking up to the distance between them with her hands clasped behind her back, "I don't think either of you are dumb. Everyone here is really very smart, I think. Wonderful in many ways. And you know, as much as I found it outlandish to think I'd leave the club behind for a boyfriend, I can understand how you might think that. I do have many admirers, but... The Literature Club is always going to be my number one priority, okay? And all of my club members, too. I'm the president, after all. That's my responsibility."

"Monika..." Sayori said from across the room, sounding surprised, then her voice brightened, "Yeah! I can tell, you care about the Literature Club more than anything else! But, as vice president, can I be the one to introduce the ideas that we had?"

"Ideas?" Natsuki asked, furrowing her brow, "Don't tell me you're thinking of changing the club..."

"Well," Monika said, sheepish as she looked away with a wobbling smile, "Just a few changes. Nothing big, though, I just think we could probably do with a few club activities, don't you? It's nice to be able to spend time together and read, for sure, but we aren't quite being a _club_."

"I guess you're right..." Yuri trailed off, looking down at the floor, "I mean... I like the way things are now, but drinking tea and reading isn't quite enough. It's more of a gathering than an actual club. What were your ideas?"

"Well," Sayori piped up, "Just two! One of mine and one of Monika's, so I guess if either of you have ideas too, we can work with that! My idea was to start doing an actual book club, you know? Picking one book every month that we all read and then talk about. We can take turns on who picks the book."

Natsuki perked up to hear that, then looked almost like she was reconsidering before she gave in and spoke up, "I can pick a manga, right? Those are kind of short and easy to read, so I think that maybe the first three volumes in a series would be more equivalent to a novel..."

"If we'll be asking you to read our favorite books," Yuri said, "It's only fair. And I'll trust your judgment that three volumes is the equivalent to a novel of standard length, too. You're certainly an expert on that variety of... Literature."

"Great!" Natsuki said, grinning and pressing a finger against her own cheek, "Hm, I'll try my best to pick a series that I think you'd all be able to find something you like in. Maybe a fantasy-comedy..." She paused for a minute, thinking, then looked to Monika, "Ah. Monika, I just realized that I don't even know what genres you like."

Monika shrugged as she responded, "I like all sorts of genres, actually. If you like it, then I'm sure I will too. I do think that something that's fantasy and comedy would appeal to Yuri and Sayori more than another combination, though. That's good thinking. I guess that you pay more attention to your clubmates than you'd like us to think, hm, Natsuki?"

"It's not like that!" Natsuki protested, "I mean, Yuri and Sayori are both super obvious about the kind of things they like to read is all..."

"I'll pick something lighter from my collection," Yuri noted, holding her hands clasped at her chest with a slight smile, "I know that Monika is the only other one of us who regularly reads especially long works, so I'll make sure not to overwhelm you with something you're not used to."

"Eheh..." Sayori gave a nervous giggle, "Yeah, you're right... Uh, I'll probably just pick something I really like and hope you guys like it too, though. I dunno if I've ever really read anything you'd like much, Yuri..."

"I'm always willing to expand my horizons, Sayori," Yuri said, "I'm sure that even if our tastes don't intersect at all, I'll find something to like in the book you decide to share."

"That's the spirit!" Monika exclaimed, "See, we haven't even started reading yet and this new activity is already helping us to understand each other better. Now, as for the activity I thought up... I think you'll be a little less satisfied with it, to be honest. Still... I was thinking we could start writing poems to share with each other. They don't have to be long, or all too personal, or even in your usual writing style if you're shy, but I think that it would be a lot of fun."

"Sharing poetry...?" Yuri asked, quiet but clearly taken aback by the suggestion, "I'm not sure about that. Even if you say it doesn't have to be personal, is it really possible to write a poem which doesn't reveal anything about yourself?"

"Yeah!" Natsuki agreed with Yuri, "It's unfair, to say that we should share our writing..."

"Come on," Monika said, chuckling, "How is it unfair if all of us are sharing it, with everyone else? Besides, I believe in your ability to write a poem divorced from your own emotions. Myself, that's a skill that I lack... I'm sure that you can do it, though. So if anything, it's unfair to me. I'll be the only one stuck baring my soul.

"I guess..." Natsuki sighed, pouting, "If we're all sharing, then it's fine! But you better not be lying, Monika. I'll be seriously mad if you come in with some dumb poem that has nothing to do with your life."

"Ahh..." Yuri spoke again, "I guess that I also have to agree, then... But I agree with Natsuki. If Monika's poem isn't more embarrassing than mine, then I won't share."

"That's a lot of pressure to put on me," Monika said, laughing a bit, "But if it helps you feel better, of course. So, should we bring some in to share tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow sounds great!" Sayori piped up, "After all, if you just have one day to write the poem, you don't have to think super hard about it and get all in your head, you know? Plus, I don't write a lot, so mine will probably be even _more_ embarrassing than Monika's..."

"Now, now," Monika waved her hands in defense, "I may be willing to be embarrassed for the sake of the activity, but I'd really prefer it if you... Stopped talking about it so much, yes? Ahah..."

"You brought this on yourself!" Natsuki accused, then walked over toward the closet, "Anyway, we're done here, right? I wanna start reading before the meeting is done with!"

"Of course," Monika said with a nod, watching as Natsuki went rummaging for manga in the closet. She had to think about it, of course. She'd spent the previous evening with Sayori, thinking about Sayori, but now that she saw Yuri and Natsuki again, of course, their feelings came crashing into her again.

Natsuki loved reading so much, it was obvious to see. Monika was a bit surprised when she first observed it, but she came to understand it. Natsuki had to keep her manga at school, or else it risked being damaged or destroyed. Natsuki couldn't read at home, and it was something she loved to do. By the time that she arrived at school, she was starved for her hobby. Monika wondered if she might be able to get permission to hold longer after-school meetings. It never seemed as if any of her clubmates had anywhere else to be, surely they'd appreciate being able to stay in this environment longer.

Monika had figured out Sayori much quicker than she figured out Yuri or Natsuki. When it came to those two, she wasn't even certain in her conclusions yet. Natsuki's home life was still the better part of a mystery to Monika, there were only a few things that she was sure of. She couldn't read at home, and likely, she grew up without enough food. Monika could imagine that Natsuki was eating okay these days, since she had a hobby of baking, but she was still uncomfortably small. Underdeveloped. For a second year in high school to look that way, to that extent, there had to be _something_ wrong.

Monika didn't know any details, though. Not yet. Not like how she could see right through Sayori. Similarly, Yuri was mysterious even beyond the mystery of Natsuki. Monika was excited to learn more about them. Understand why her literature club seemed to be the best things in their lives, not just the best thing in her own. Maybe, she thought. Maybe they were already in her reality after all. Sharing this experience with her. Finding light through the club and nothing else.

Then again, maybe they were just on the edge of her reality.

Monika needed to reach out and grab them. She approached Natsuki and sat down in the desk next to her, looking over her shoulder and reading the manga until Natsuki noticed she was there, startling and turning to look at her. Before Natsuki could say anything about Monika's seemingly sudden appearance beside her, Monika tilted her head and gave her offer, "Natsuki? I was thinking, I'd like to spend some more time with each of you outside of school, not just Sayori. Would you like to meet me somewhere for dinner this evening? My treat."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another dang poem from Monika I'm sorry I know they're kind of out of my range but I think it's important to include the actual poems and not just say 'the poem was written' anyway thanks for reading


	4. Just Monika and Natsuki

"Why should I go out to dinner with you?" Natuski asked, practically bristling, but Monika didn't flinch away at all. She knew there were plenty of reasons that Natsuki might be offended at the offer. Perhaps she thought Monika had caught on to her home situation (she had, in part), and was pitying her (she wasn't). Or maybe she thought that Monika was coming on to her (She was, but she could pretend that she wasn't).

"I just told you why," Monika said, "I want to get to know you and Yuri better outside of the club. I mean, I've been walking Sayori home for a while now, and I've been totally neglecting both of you! I've been very short-sighted. Don't you want to become better friends, Natsuki?"

Natsuki turned her eyes back to her manga, glowering in silence. Monika could tell that she was thinking of a response, though, so she wasn't about to say anything else and interrupt her train of thought. After a good minute without any sound, and without turning the page of her manga, Natsuki muttered her real answer, "Fine, meet me at the beef bowl place near the park. If you really wanna take me out, the least you can do is let me pick the place."

Beef Bowl, hm? And the place near the park, to boot. Monika thought that very interesting. Like most cities and towns in Japan with a modern flare, there were five beef bowl places within walking distance of the high school they attended. The one near the park had made a name for itself among the others by having the biggest portions, without a huge increase in price. Those giant portions were of a somewhat lower quality, but most people who'd be eating such a large amount of food weren't about to care about the quality of the massive bites they'd be shoving in their mouths. It wasn't Monika's favorite, but she knew this particular place did do bowls which traded the beef for mushrooms, so she'd still be able to eat there.

So was Monika right, that Natsuki didn't normally get enough food? It seemed contradictory, that Natsuki could afford to bake then, but then again, it wasn't like baking was actually an expensive hobby. One batch of baking supplies went a long way, if Natsuki was able to save up for them. Even when it came to her manga collection, Monika couldn't help thinking that Natsuki might have a complicated situation when it came to food anyway. Maybe she'd run into problems if she brought her own food into her house, and made money some other way?

Monika had far too many theories about her littlest clubmate. Littlest. That was so disappointing even just to think about. Monika didn't want anyone else to make her friends hurt in any way. She didn't want anyone else but her to ever lay a hand on them at all, to speak to them, to look at them... The faceless were undeserving of them, especially the gutter-swine faceless who brought them harm. Those pigs deserved to die. No, Monika decided. To call faceless who would do such a horrible thing, pigs... Was an insult to pigs, wasn't it? Monika had nothing against pigs.

Once upon a time, she would have had nothing about disgusting faceless who hurt other people, too. Even if one of them hurt her- Not that any had, of course! Monika never would have let _that_ happen. Even if one of them had, though, she couldn't have conjured any disdain for them before. Monika didn't care about Monika. She was selfish, yes, but a slight against her was nothing, because she didn't feel that slight. At the same time, in her own eyes, Monika was both the most important person in the world, and just as pointless as a faceless herself. If Monika could hold onto Literature, and Natsuki, and Yuri, and Sayori... While not being Monika, then that would still be fine. She'd appreciate it, even. Even so, the point was that Monika wouldn't hate somebody who tried bringing harm to her, because it wouldn't even seem like harm.

Monika only grew to hate faceless when she heard that some of them had hurt those who she loved. Because they could feel harm. And Monika could see the impact. She could see how worthless, pointless, meaningless faceless people who had no right to even exist in this world, broke down the people she loved more than the world itself. Of them, so far, Monika's worst hatred rested squarely on whoever malnourished Natsuki in her youth. Perhaps even into the present day. Monika couldn't stand that.

"Of course," Monika said, standing up, "I'll meet you there. Does six-thirty work for you?"

"Huh? Uh... Yeah," Natsuki said with a small nod, "That should be fine. Just, you know. Don't get the wrong idea about this!"

"And what idea would that be, Natsuki?" Monika asked, leaning her cheek in her palm with an amused smile. Could it be that Natsuki was actually aware of Monika's affections, on some level? When it came to Sayori, Monika knew that she would have to be delicate about informing her of any love she felt, but with Natsuki, it wasn't such a big deal. Natsuki could figure it out on her own, and it wouldn't be a problem. Even if Natsuki were disgusted with Monika, upon realizing... Monika would make sure it wouldn't be a problem.

"Just forget I said anything," Natsuki waved her off, and returned her attention to the manga for real this time. It was clear that the conversation was over. Monika pushed her hands against the desk to stand up, then wandered over to the window of the classroom. The faculty advisor... Was awfully accommodating, wasn't she? Monika hadn't had any trouble getting permission to keep all number of things in the room, and the teacher had never even sat in on a single meeting, giving the girls true full reign over their club. Did all Faceless listen to Monika that much? Was she just so charming that they had to bend to her whims, no matter what those whims could be?

Was that a charisma she was gifted with? Or was it something else? Monika had to wonder if, when it came to the faceless droves, there was something more at play there. They were real people, technically speaking. Monika was aware that they were just like her, the main characters in their own stories, on equal standing from an objective perspective. Just because Monika didn't see them as real or relevant didn't change that fact, so it seemed strange that she rarely encountered true resistance.

As far as she could remember, the worst behavior than any faceless had ever shown directly to her was a particularly flippant boy from another school, who let trash talk and insults work their way into his debate. There were small grievances, of course, but Monika had a rather easy path for the most part. She had to assume it was just a mix of her charisma and being around nice people, which led to the ease with which she could convince people to give her things. It wasn't like employees at stores tripped over themselves to offer her free things, or anything like that.

And now that she thought about it, that rival boy in the debate club... Was quite nasty. Not that Monika was actually offended by anything he said, but she had an okay memory even for things which had little to no impact on her. He had a foul tongue. And he saw right through her. He'd said that her debating lacked passion. He knew. He knew how little she felt toward anything in this world. And she'd only proved him right, by not caring that he had that to say to her. By not caring that he had her figured out.

Maybe she did care, just a little bit. In retrospect. Because she felt relieved to have feelings now, at least, she was a little spiteful to have been called out on it before. So what, she was an emotional late bloomer? She had these feelings now, and they were stronger and better than some nobody who felt the need to insult a girl on a personal level during a debate about the ethics of fracking could ever possibly feel. He was the one who definitely lacked passion. In his _life_. So there.

She decided to stop looking out the window aimlessly, and returned to a seat at one of the desks, where she'd set her bag down. She reached into it for her book, and a shiver went along her spine as her skin brushed against the rope, still sitting at the bottom of her entire bag. She pulled the book out quickly, then tucked the bag between her feet. She didn't need anybody snooping around in it, though she figured that only Yuri would be inclined to do such a thing, and she was already thoroughly engrossed in her own book for the day. Even so, Monika couldn't be too careful. As confident as she was that she'd achieve her goals, that didn't mean that she could be careless about them. Her confidence was born of knowing the right steps to take and moves to make, as best as she could.

So she of course, also knew the wrong steps and moves. And to avoid them. With her bag safe between her ankles, Monika let herself get lost in the world of her current literary pursuit. It wasn't a classic, or anything. It was a romance book. Dumb, certainly, but she'd been put in the mood as of late. Romances in these books were always so strange. Clearly unhealthy, but treated as if they were massive, cosmic affairs. Like there had never been a love so true and pure. Monika was amused to see it that way, so unrealistic. There were pure romances, and there were unhealthy romances, and they shouldn't be mixed up. Monika was well aware that any affair she attained with the girls she loved would not be pure. She would make certain that the girls were well aware of that too.

Monika just planned on making them love her so much that they wouldn't even _care_ how awful it was.

In any case, she had some time left while reading. She read until the clock reached the unfortunate time when everybody would disperse to leave, to go their own ways and abandon the literature club for homes which could never even dare to be as warm and welcoming. Once it did, she put her book away. She walked Sayori home again, but this time, her focus was shifted. She could avoid falling into a pit of swooning over Sayori today, because she had somebody else to turn her eyes on soon after. She bade Sayori goodbye, then left. She went to the park, then from there to the beef bowl place she'd agreed to meet Natsuki at. She didn't have time to go back to her own house and change first, but as she approached she noted that Natsuki had changed into casual clothes and somewhat regretted that fact.

Then again, if Natsuki had already arrived, taking the time to go home and change would have kept Natsuki waiting, which was definitely a worse misstep than showing up still in her school uniform. She approached Natsuki, waving as she walked up, then spoke once she was close, "Sorry for the attire, I didn't end up leaving myself enough time to get changed, ahah..."

"What, your house too far from Sayori's or something?" Natsuki asked, then paused a moment and glanced away, "Actually, I have no idea where your house is..."

"Oh, I live over by the river," Monika said.

"That's in the exact opposite direction of where Sayori lives!" Natsuki exclaimed, clearly surprised, "Why do you walk her home if you live far away like that?"

"I don't know, really," Monika said, "I guess that it just feels like she should have somebody walking her home. Even if it's inconvenient to me, I'm glad to fill that role. It seems really clear to me that it's important, that Sayori has that. Don't you think you'd walk Yuri home, if you ever got the feeling that she needed it?"

"Well, maybe?" Natsuki frowned, "But Yuri also doesn't live across town from where I do! Don't you have anything better to do with your time?"

"Something better to do than to be there for my friend? No, I don't think so," Monika said, chuckling a bit, "But, you know, I don't actually do that much in my free time these days, so I can imagine there being something better to do, I just don't have anything, myself. Anyway, shall we go inside?"

"Yeah, I guess so," Natsuki relented, turning to walk into the restaurant with a hand on her hip. Monika watched as she asked for a table, then sat down across from her.

"So, Natsuki," Monika started, "That manga you've been reading, is that new for you, or is it something that you've already been working on? I'm curious!"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, it's something I've been reading for a while. The series, I mean," Natsuki said, "So, I dunno. I'd still consider it pretty new for me though, because I'm not like, caught up or anything yet..."

"It must be nice to like a form of media which updates so frequently that you need to keep up with it," Monika noted, "I'm sure that Yuri doesn't ever have that problem, after all. It's much easier to read an entire book series in one sitting, then need to wait an entire year... Where, a manga is updating at least every month, most of the time, right?"

"That's true," Natsuki said, "I guess that it can be convenient sometimes, and it can sometimes be annoying to try and keep up. So we have different problems, when it comes to the way we read things..."

"You and Yuri are different in a lot of ways, aren't you?" Monika asked, smiling at Natsuki, "That must be why you end up clashing so often... But you know, I think that the two of you could also get along really well! After all, you know what they say. Opposites attract."

"...I mean, I think so," Natsuki said, "I'd _like_ to get along with Yuri... I mean, I worry about her sometimes too! But it's hard to actually admit that to her, cause, she'd probably take it the wrong way or something. I don't really mind saying that to you, cause I guess I know you'll understand what I'm trying to say."

"Hm, I can understand that. Yuri might get defensive if any of us started becoming suddenly more friendly toward her out of nowhere. Sort of like you do," Monika teased with a small giggle, watching as Natsuki blushed and glared the other direction, "But, if you said you worried about her... She might think you were accusing her of something, wouldn't she? Yuri doesn't take criticism well at all, I've noticed."

"Hmph, well," Natsuki muttered, "It's not like it's a slight against her, that I want to make sure she's being safe..."

"Ahaha, I'd like to do the same!" Monika agreed, "Maybe we can just work together in secret, to make sure that Yuri is safe without letting her know that we're thinking about her like that, yes?"

"What? That seems like a lot of work, but," Natsuki squeezed her eyes shut and scowled, "Well, I guess that if you can think of a way to do it... I really don't want something bad to happen to any of our club members because we were too busy looking the other way, or something. It's not like I think Yuri would do anything, but I kind of feel like if we ignored her, something bad might happen to her..." She opened her eyes again, looking to Monika with what could only be described as a puppy-dog look, "Is that weird of me?"

"No, I think it's perfectly reasonable," Monika said, leaning on her palm, "Looking the other way when you think there's a tiny chance of something strange or bad happening can go really badly. You need to be careful about all sorts of things in this world, after all... Just one second of something going wrong, that you fail to notice, can snowball into something absolutely horrifying."

"I don't think I'd go that far!" Natsuki said, "But, that does make me feel better about being so weirdly worried, you know?"

"I'm glad to hear it," Monika said, "Well, kind of. Glad that you're feeling better, that is. It's not heartening to hear that you're worried! Being glad that someone was worried wouldn't be very kind... After all, worry is quite a negative way to feel. But I guess that if you ever worried about me, I'd be glad about it, because that would mean you cared enough to be worried... But at the same time, I'd feel bad that I stirred a negative emotion in you."

"Monika, I kind of get the feeling that you think a little bit too hard about this kind of thing," Natsuki said, laughing a little bit, "Anyway, uh, do you know what you're gonna order?"

"I do. I'll flag down the waiter," Monika said, then did as much, and turned to the faceless who came to take her dinner order, "I'll have a spicy bowl with portobello mushroom, please."

"Um, sweet teriyaki bowl," Natsuki put her own order in, then turned to Monika once the waiter had walked off, "Portobello mushroom?"

"Yeah," Monika said, smiling at Natsuki, "It's really nice that you picked a place with vegetarian options."

"I didn't even know you're a vegetarian!" Natsuki exclaimed, leaning back in her chair, "I totally would have picked somewhere other than a beef bowl place if I did!"

"No, no worries," Monika said, waving her hand dismissively, "They have the mushroom here, after all, and I usually like spicy bowls. I'm a big fan of the taste to tell you the truth, I'd probably come to a place like this and get the mushroom bowl on my own time."

"Well, okay..." Natsuki trailed off, crossing her arms as she looked away, "So why don't you eat meat, huh? Is it like a diet thing, or do you like animals too much to wanna eat them? I can already tell you're not one of the fucking uppity types who's gonna judge me for wanting some more compact protein, if you're fine coming here..."

"Ahaha..." Monika scratched her cheek with that nervous laugh, "Well, I'd never do something like that! My reason will probably still sound pretty stupid though, to tell you the truth. Ah, I don't like how the meat industry is impacting the planet, so I feel like being a vegetarian is just one little way that I can actually help the world... I know that it's really big corporations doing it, and as one person I can't exactly do much of anything, but I still want to try my best. It makes me feel like I'm actually doing something good for once."

"Aw, that is pretty lame... But kinda sweet too, I guess," Natsuki said, "But, like, for once? Monika, do you seriously think that the Literature Club isn't doing something good?"

"Well, I mean, I did kind of make it selfishly," Monika admitted, "I didn't think about it as a club that can do something for others. I just thought that it would do something for me. I wanted to drag others into loving literature the same way that I do... But it turned into more than that. I probably haven't even accomplished that yet. You probably don't like it any more than you did when I invited you to join..."

"It's not like that's a bad thing," Natsuki said, shrugging, "I already like manga a lot more than I probably should... I don't need to appreciate all literature when I'm just so wrapped up in this one type."

"Well..." Monika closed her eyes, taking a deep breath between her words, "Hm. Maybe I was mistaken, and you do care for your literature in a similar way to mine... Already. Tell me, Natsuki..." She opened her eyes again, looking into Natsuki's eyes, "D̶̙̼͇͎̒̆̋̊̄̿̂͠o̷̧̫̙̲̜̞͉̦̐͠ ̸̡̬̀̃̒͆́̄̍̅̎̓̒͆͘͝ỷ̶̲͙̘̙͛̌õ̵̡͈̣̙̜͕͖̒̅͜u̸̡̦̗̻̜͂̑͋͒͆͂̿̚̚͠͝ ̸̡̢̨͖̱̰̱̪̺͈̪̪̗͊̌͑͜ͅs̸͍͔̹̝͛̉̀̈̀̋̒͝ö̴̧̥̘̞̘̰̝̜̖́̎̒͐͗̈́͂̕͘͜ͅm̸̡̢̢̻̥̪̬̜̭̘̖͇̹̲̿̎̾͊ę̵̨̻̽̍͆͒̾̎̑̑̚̚͜͝͝ṫ̴̢̨̰̲̪̟̳̟̬͉̗̖͇ĩ̸̛̭͓̣͙̞̳̔̎͗̆͊̊̐̾̾̌̏͝m̵̡͈̲͚̹͇̼̬̲͍͚̺͕̺̽̋͒̋̏͂̔̋̚͜e̸̛̯͎̥̺͉̓̎̍̔̒̅̽̕s̸̨͚͉̥̯̺̟̮̲̞̟̐̊̏͜ ̸͓̫̰̯̬̤̳̳͕̪̌͠f̷̡̧̳̣̳̥̜̦͚͖͎̗̟̜̓̓́͋͜e̷̡̥̰̟͙͚̔̒̄̇͜͝e̷̡̨̡̪̫̝̘͙̗͙̘̠͈͇̭̅͑́́̎͐́̕l̴̗̝̻̐͆̈́̐̍̅̄̈́͛́̓̕͘͝ ̷͖̼̞̠̓̔̊̽͊͜͝m̷̛͖̖͔͙͉͚͖̫̗̭̼͚͓̠̉͒́͌̈́͌̒̔̚͝ą̶̦̻̪̝̯̞̬̪̓͆̀̌͠ͅn̵͈̺̥̲̬̠͔̦̟̘̙̘̤̹͒͊͜ģ̸͕̺̖̲͎̰̻̻͙͓̤͑͋̏ͅa̶̜͎̗͊͆̄̈ ̸̦̎̔̎̒̃̉̓͘͝͠į̵̧͕̟̫͖̗̰̜̱̣̯͎̝̰̿̇̏̓̑̎͛̾̚͝s̶̨̥̱̼̪̬̹͈͕͘ ̸͔̭͚̪̠̪̝͔̗̙͛͐͒͋̍̈́͑͆͑̿̚͠͠a̶͓͚̅̏̉͆͂ļ̷̬͙͔̮̙̟̗̊̌̿̀͗̑͊͗̌̀̋̕̕͠l̸̛̿̋̿̇͂́͜͠͝ ̶̪̻̩͉̻̯̜̘̓̄̍̏́̉̇̈́̅̎͝ͅṱ̸̨̠͉͔̭̹̦̥̞̼̤̖̗͔̍͛́̈́h̷̡̡̨̳̤̲̜̼̙̦̳͎̝͌̽͗̓̍͜ͅa̷̰͖̤̤̥͓͈͌̔̕͜ͅṯ̵̛̛̂̊̋̇̒̕ ̴̺̺̑͐͊̆̃̈͜ȳ̷̨̦̣̤̺̻̉͒̎̀͗͝o̵̧͇͔̺͊̈́̆̅͌͊́̒͂̔̽͘͜͝ȗ̶̯͖̘͖͊͛͛̎͗̊̋̚͝ͅ ̵̡̨͔̥̬̭̤̲͖̟͚̞͚͙̲̈́̇̓̌͌̋̊͋͌̅̕͝͠ḩ̸̖͍̙̈́͂̒͊̌̉̿͑͋̐̿̐͘̕a̷̢̨̡̜̣̯̥̥̗̗̫̻͙͎͇͂̒̾͋̓̍̑̎̇̓̕v̴̢̟̰̮̲͇̈́̌̿̓̏̓͌̀̓͛̍͘͠͝ȇ̷̩͚̬̜̞̟͔̝̳͈͓͕̞͕̌̐̎͒̾̀̄͆̃̕ͅ?̴̨͔͖͇̦͙̰̞̖͑͆̏̍̓͝͠ͅ"

"Huh?" Natsuki asked, freezing in place, unable to tear her eyes away from Monika's. Something about the way that question was posed to her seemed... Off. Monika knew it too, that she'd made a mistake. She asked something so serious, much too soon. Much too quickly. Asking something like that at a time like this was definitely a poor move, and it could break her entire gameplan apart, "No, not... Really. I have some other things. Why? Do you feel like you really don't have anything except literature?"

"Well," Monika couldn't backpedal now, but she could at least try to explain herself and not dig her hole any deeper, "It's more like... Before I met all of you, reading literature was the only thing that ever really made me feel _happy_. Does that make sense? There was just this emptiness... I was depressed, see? And for a while, literature really was the only thing that could help me... So forgive me if I think maybe, I can't get others to appreciate it on the same level that I do. I just wondered if maybe, you felt similarly..."

"Oh, I get it, I guess," Natsuki said, managing to look away as she drummed her fingers against the table in front of her, "I mean, that's still kind of fucking weird, Monika! But, yeah, I guess I don't care about literature quite as much as you do, if that's the case. I've always been able to feel happy about all sorts of things, not just manga. I love it a lot, and it really hurts when people think that I shouldn't even like it, but it's not something that drastic or anything."

"I see," Monika said, "For you, it's more like it's something you've always loved, and now it hurts when people dislike it, because that feels like an attack on you, right? Manga's been a part of you and a part of your life for such a long time that if somebody doesn't like manga, they don't seem to like you?"

"Yeah, I guess it is more like that," Natsuki mumbled, "Don't have to call me out like that or anything, though..."

"Haah... Sorry, Natsuki," Monika said, bringing a hand up to her own forehead, "It's just, I think it's very interesting that the same things can impact the same people in such different ways. And, well, maybe literature doesn't mean the _same_ to you as it does to me, but it still means a lot to you. I really like seeing that. I guess you could say that I love people. Some people."

"Heh," Natsuki chuckled a bit, smirking as she tried to lighten up the tone again, "Gotta clarify that, huh? There's some people who really suck."

"Oh, of course. There are plenty of people who I can really hate. And plenty of people who just don't mean anything at all," Monika noted, "But some people, that's a good way of saying it, isn't it? I love people, but just some of them."

"...Hey, Monika?" Natsuki started, shifting in her seat, "I dunno why, but it kinda feels like I can be real with you. Like, when you're around, I can be honest with my reality, when usually, I can't. Is that okay? I mean. I get that this is super weird of me to say. And lame too. But you're the only person who actually understands the way that I feel about manga and stuff, and since you understand that, I guess you can understand the other things too."

Monika couldn't help feeling her heart skip a beat at hearing Natsuki say that. To admit that Monika was somebody she could confide in, and to boot, saying that Monika had a positive effect on the reality of her life. Monika might not have dragged Natsuki down into her reality just yet, but being able to impact Natsuki's reality was the next best thing.

Though, it was a little bit of a tear in Monika's idea, that she was the only one. She liked being the only one, in plenty of ways. The only true confidant of one of her precious clubmates... But when it was just Monika, it wasn't Yuri, or Sayori. Breaking down Natsuki's walls had many, many steps. There was the glass wall of her sweet exterior, covering the prickly thorn wall of her supposed personality.

Hacking through those thorns was an endeavor, but there were holes to squirrel through, and Monika had done that. The wall was still up, but Monika was on the other side. Nobody else was on this side with her. There was still another wall, though. A brick wall. A heavy brick wall with no gaps or cracks, holding back another Natsuki. One that Monika still wanted to see. One that Monika needed to see. One that Monika would defy death itself, if she had not yet gotten the chance to see Natsuki that way by the time she encountered it.

Though, in Monika's head, she wasn't going to die. She didn't know why she felt that way. It was just a persistent thought, that she would live forever. That was probably wrong, just another aspect of the superiority complex she'd been saddled with, the superiority complex that left her seeing the world at large as faceless, worthless masses. Monika was aware that having that sort of complex was morally unpleasant, but she was beyond that by now. She had plenty of ways to be morally unpleasant, and considering herself above the vast majority of humanity was the least of them.

"That makes me happy to hear, Natsuki," Monika said, feeling as if it had been an eternity since she heard it, but it has only been the few moments typical of a conversation, "I'm serious. It's really good to know that you consider me a good enough friend to trust me with something as important as personal truths. I can imagine that it's hard for you, because I know that it's very hard for me, to actually be genuine. And I'm somebody who's always had support for my interests, so you..."

"Yeah, yeah," Natsuki suddenly griped, "Look, let's just move on before I get any more embarrassed, okay?"

"That's fine too," Monika said, "I'm very excited to read everybody's poems during club tomorrow. And for the book club, too... Also, I was thinking, I had one more idea for the club. I just didn't think of it until after we'd all separated to read our books separately for the day, but I was thinking, if everybody would like it... We currently have about an hour and a half each day, but do any of us really have anywhere to be? If we could get permission for another hour, that would be nice, wouldn't it?"

"That's..." Natsuki paused, then relented, "Actually a great idea. I mean, I think that the first hour and a half should stay reserved for any of the real club activities, though. I bet that some of us will need to leave early sometimes. I know that I would, some days. But most days, I don't have anywhere I'd rather be or anything... Like, I have other stuff I _can_ do, but not a whole lot that I want to do. And I do kind of want to be at literature club every day. It does give me an opportunity I usually don't."

"That's exactly what I want it to be for," Monika said, "Giving people opportunities. I mean, look at it this way. It gives me the opportunity to share what I love... It gives Sayori something to focus on. It gives Yuri a place to actually talk about the sort of novels she likes to read most. And, well, it lets you read your manga, doesn't it? You... Can't read at home, for some reason or another. And I won't push you to tell me what that is, but I know it's true. So just keep that in mind if you do ever need to talk, right?"

"You're right. And I don't want to talk about it," Natsuki said, then looked up as their food arrived. She picked up her chopsticks and immediately started tearing into the beef bowl. Monika did similarly with her mushroom bowl, of course. It was just as good as she remembered it. Spicy. Eating food had just been something that happened, nothing special, for most of her life... But she still understood flavor. And sharing a meal she already enjoyed with somebody whose company she enjoyed even more? That was just the dream. Monika's gusto with which she ate the mushroom bowl reassured Natsuki that she hadn't made a mistake in her choice of restaurant, but really... 

If it was with Natsuki, Monika would even bring herself to eat a whole rotten carcass.

This was an unhealthy love. But it was progressing. Progressing with everybody.

But Yuri needed some of Monika's laser-focused attention next; And of everybody, Monika felt Yuri was the most likely to _want_ that.

Though, she would have to break her pact with Natsuki of making sure that Yuri was okay. Being with Monika wasn't okay.

Even Monika hated being with Monika. She would indulge Monika nonetheless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No poems this time but... I gotta do four next chapter. Wish me luck?


	5. Just Poetry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a long one folks

Monika didn’t like evenings, most of the time.

She liked this evening, but not this night, at all.

This evening had been uncharacteristically enjoyable, because unlike most evenings on which the arrival of sunset heralded Monika’s return to her home, empty and isolated from the only people in this world who she cared even the slightest bit about, sunset had brought about a dinner with Natsuki. A dinner in which Monika was able to worm under Natsuki’s skin, to catch a glimpse of what made her tick. It wasn’t like Monika crawled in to see muscle, blood, and organ. Of course, Natsuki had those things, but Monika had yet to witness any of those for herself. She instead witnessed Natsuki’s insides as a ray of shining light, a glow from within that was being held back as if her skin was tape, wrapped all around and around Natsuki to hold her in a unsuited form.

Binding her, holding her down, holding her back from her full potential as a human being; No, as an entity, because what did a human being know anyway? Natsuki had so much growing she could have done and so much kindness she could spread if only she weren’t being tethered down like this, by the weight of her human experience. Monika would never ask Natsuki to stop being prickly, that was a part of who she was. But Monika would ask Natsuki to show it the way she had at dinner, an annoyed but genuine concern for the people she liked to act as if she didn’t care about.

Monika might wonder how such a perfect person existed, only to remember that there were two others at the same time. Three people who could hardly even be called human, because that would be an insult to them, they transcended the dirt and horror of humanity. Monika couldn’t be called human either, she thought, but for different reasons. She was both above and below humanity. She thought herself a better entity than most, but a bad person. She was made of dirt and horror with a shiny coating on the top, but with that dirt and horror she had power. A filthy, less-than human monster who had fallen in love with angels. A disgusting creature that wanted to drag them down by their wings and feast on their light forever.

What did it matter, that Natsuki was emotionally and physically stunted, that she could be cruel? What did it matter that Sayori suffered from an illness which ate away at the happiness which would otherwise have overflowed? What did it matter that Yuri was drawn into fantasies so extremely that she would cause herself or others harm? Those were perfections, in Monika’s eyes. Showed that Natsuki was strong enough to make it through and keep her bite. Showed that Sayori, so wonderful and amazing as she was, would just be too powerful if her brain gave her free range to experience life every single day. Showed that Yuri was overflowing with passion.

A flaw was only a flaw as long as it was looked at out of context. That was, for those three. For Monika, context only made her flaws worse, but she didn’t mind that. The stark difference between her own disgusting glory and the radiance of those she showered her affections upon wasn’t something which deterred her. Nothing could deter her.

Today, however, while evening did not mark the beginning of her nightly isolation, the moment that she and Natsuki parted ways, Monika lost her elation. She deflated like a helium balloon that had been released to the ceiling of a warehouse, withering away with no hope of rescue or a quick end. Rather than being able to dwell on the happiness of having been able to spend time with Natsuki, Monika had pains in her chest, already missing her.

Monika couldn’t take this much longer, spending time apart from those three. She had a burning desire to be able to spend every moment, waking or otherwise, with at least one of them. Was that so wrong? With Natsuki gone, Monika just felt everything worse. Her school uniform felt too hot and stuffy from being worn for too long, her throat ached ever-so-slightly from the delicious meal, and while her stomach was physically full, she felt a pit of emptiness anyway. She was alone again.

None of those three, either, had much penchant for text conversations. Monika had all of their phone numbers, but the only one of them who would reliably reply to her was Sayori. And that was only on good days. Not that Monika blamed them, but it made her feel more alone. They were just bad at texting, it was clear. They did want to talk to her, it wasn’t spite against her, but leaving her texts on ‘delivered’ for several days reflected their inability to reliably keep in contact.

If any one of them ever moved away…

Monika would never let that happen, though. If there was even a small chance, she would steal whichever girl it was herself. They were bad at keeping in touch, and she wasn’t about to lose them, even for a little while. Her parents wouldn’t mind. They never minded anything. They practically did not exist. Monika could not, in any memory, recall ever being punished by them for wrongdoing.

Surely, she had been as a small child, before she grew cold to the world, but she didn’t remember those days. As it was, Monika’s sense of morality came from literature, or at least, her sense of what the world at large regarded as morality. Had she not read those books, learned of a standard of morality, would she still consider herself to be a bad person? She decided that she likely would, given that there were certainly aspects of the girls she loved which went against the grain of what most considered moral, which didn’t give her pause at all. Why should it be immoral to lack the energy for tasks, or to defy family, or to become addicted to something?

Those things did not seem _immoral_ at all, as far as Monika was concerned, and she believed that those supposedly immoral things ought to be dropped from the collective canon of morality. There were plenty of things in the collective canon of morality, however, which Monika agreed with. And others which she felt were too often allowed to slide.

Building her own sense of morality was important, anyway. Monika knew that bad things happened when people decided to take their morality from a book. Though her understanding may have been taken from various literature, her outlook wasn’t taken from it. Not to mention, anyone who used a religious text as the only way to calibrate their moral compass was doomed to fall into very unfortunate morals, from time to time.

There were those who believed that because the faithful would be forgiven in the afterlife, they ought to be forgiven for anything in life as well, and turned out overlooking reprehensible acts. Abusers and rapists were welcomed into some churches with open arms, if only they are faithful, because that is penance enough. There were some who believed that completely normal everyday things were disgusting sins that should never be committed.

There were some who, in stark opposition to those who overlooked terrible actions for faith, disregarded faith to cut off and shun those who did anything the slightest bit against their supposed morals. Researching other religions, smoking cigarettes… Monika thought that was ridiculous. A religion could certainly be a guideline, but when that religion opened somebody up to believing the right thing to do was something that others would see as objectively wrong, that wasn’t any good at all. Monika liked having her own idea of what was right and what was wrong, even as she so vehemently stuck to what was wrong in so much of her life. Having that distinction was important even for somebody who did bad things.

A bad person who believed their own crimes to be moral wasn’t even frightening to Monika, not really. Just pathetic. Misguided somehow, to be so convinced that what they were doing so wrong was fine… Worthless. If one was going to be a villain, Monika thought, they ought to wear that as a badge. An unpleasant badge, but a badge nonetheless. Being deceptive about one’s true unpleasant nature, hiding the badge, that was acceptable too, that was a bad person who ought to be feared in some way by somebody. Bad people who believed their crimes to be moral, Monika thought, didn’t deserve to be feared or anything like that. Somebody so pathetic should just be put down, or locked away, put out of the unique misery of blindly hurting others.

Monika wondered. Whoever it was that was causing harm to Natsuki at home, were they aware of how much they were hurting her? Was it malice or ignorance? Truly, how disgusting _was_ that faceless? Monika assumed it was a father, but could be mistaken. She didn’t know so much about Natsuki just yet. She just tried to know as much as she could. She tried her level best.

Home felt empty, when Monika arrived there. Her parents had been made aware she’d be spending dinner out, but when she got back, they were sitting elbow-to-elbow on the loveseat in the living room, half-eaten sandwiches on folding tables in front of them along with one beer for her mother and one glass of wine from a bottle that had been opened at the start of the week and poorly re-corked to be stale by the time it was finished, but her father would drink it anyway, like he didn’t even care about the taste of his single drink with dinner.

The television played a movie, the name of which Monika couldn’t possibly guess. It was just another poorly lit, generic action flick. Still, seeing them that way, made her house feel more empty. Why should those two be able to enjoy each other’s company like that, but with such a depressing environment surrounding them? Monika wanted to sit elbow-to-elbow with Natsuki, or with Sayori, or with Yuri. Perhaps an ideal would be to squeeze all four of them onto that two-person loveseat, and there was no way then that Monika wouldn’t be in physical contact with each one of them all at once.

In any case, in that room, her parents couldn’t care less about her. She couldn’t care less about them either, but it somehow still made her feel even more alone. She didn’t bother calling out to tell them she’d arrived home. They’d realize it, somehow. Whether it was by her shoes in the doorway or the bath she was about to run for herself, they’d come to the conclusion that she was back. had they heard her come in the door, they would have greeted her.

That would have been worse, Monika decided. When faceless decided to speak with her, it was as if they thought they matched her. That they were equal to her, when she was infinitely more powerful; Above them on one level. And as much pain as a faceless could cause, the worst they could become was a filthy, oozing swine. A pig made of a slimy substance dark as void. Their crimes were clumsy and sloppy and unrefined, the darkness didn’t run through their veins as Monika’s did. There were very few faceless who could go beyond swine to become snakes or demons or manticores, and Monika had not met any of those people personally.

At least, as far as she knew. After all, a sufficiently refined criminal wouldn’t be obvious. Monika was sure at some point in her life she had met at the very least a snake in passing. Some faceless serial killer, a planner, a calculated one. There were unrefined murderers everywhere, those who committed massacres or went on sprees that only made as huge an impact because the perpetrator was fast, not careful.

Monika thought one of the only demons among the faceless was probably the Zodiac Killer, and that one was practically faceless to the whole world. Snakes and demons and manticores surpassed swines by knowing what they were doing, knowing the reach of their evil, working in precise absolutes without vagueries… All the things that most humans willing to commit acts of evil didn’t have the brains to do.

Then of course, there was the line between selfishness and malice. There were some who only hurt others out of their own desires, desires which didn’t hinge on causing harm but did in the process. A desire to be rich, fulfilled through theft. A desire for power or control, fulfilled through assault. Monika considered herself to be a selfish predator. She didn’t want to hurt anybody, she wasn’t an overwhelming sadist, she just wanted certain things that might hurt others in the act of attaining them. There were others who were simply malicious, who hurt people just because they liked the act of hurting somebody. Somebody already rich who continued to steal, like a billionaire investing in destructive architecture. Somebody already powerful who continued to hurt others, like a big Hollywood producer who got powerless hopefuls to favor him.

Monika hoped to never become a malicious predator. She was content in being selfish, but she wasn’t sure that she could live with herself if she were to fall into malice. She’d keep a close eye on herself, and remain critical. Sometimes Monika thought of herself as a manticore, but to tell the truth, even she was just a demon. She still lacked in some ways. Were she to begin to tread the line between selfish and malicious, but take steps and succeed to stay in the territory she desired to be in, perhaps then she’d be a manticore.

But looking at herself in the vanity in her room, having changed into a loose t-shirt of a television show she briefly tried to be interested in and light blue pajama pants with polka-dots on them, she still didn’t appear to be a villain or a monster. Looking at herself, she almost looked small. Almost looked like all the power she knew she had was just in her head, that she had no real influence over the world or of anything in her life and circumstances had just always conspired to plant that impression in her head. She felt that helpless, from time to time, but she always pushed those feelings away. Felt as pathetic as she looked right now, exhausted and in pajamas, alone in her bedroom after her bath.

Nobody else had ever been in this room before.

She wished somebody had. She wished it weren’t just Monika’s bubble, a room she only ever felt alone in. She pulled her book from her bag and lay down on her bed to read until she drifted off. She wasn’t about to write her poem for club tomorrow right now, she knew that it would just turn out too revealing of herself. She needed it to be a little lighter than that. She’d write in the morning. To sleep was to hit a reset button, often. One day’s problems could be gone upon waking up the next day, or at least, it could feel that way. Dwelling on the problems of a day before experiencing any impact of those problems on the following day was truly worthless.

And it worked, for Monika. She woke up feeling refreshed, free of the dilemmas and empty feelings of the previous night, free of any lingering euphoria turned melancholy that the dinner had instilled in her. She got dressed for the day, then sat down at her desk and pulled out her pen, and her fancy stationery, and she wrote a poem for the meeting that afternoon. Once satisfied, she folded it with precise creases, then slipped it between the pages of the book she was reading, for safekeeping. She didn’t want to show her clubmates a wrinkled poem, after all.

Maybe that was going just a bit overboard, but what could Monika say? She was extra.

Once she was dressed for the day, hair tied back in the same ribbon as ever, Monika left to walk to school. She arrived a little bit early, but she knew that Sayori was usually late, while Yuri and Natsuki were typically right on time. Monika had never run into any of them in the morning before school, and she did arrive this early most days.

Today, she just went straight to her classroom and sat down. She read, careful not to let the poem fall out of the book, until class began. The day went by quickly, almost uncomfortably so. Monika would have liked to have some more time to brace for sharing her poem with her clubmates, but she didn’t get it. That was okay, though. In spite of her disappointment that the day had passed so quickly, Monika didn’t hesitate when class was over to leave for the club room.

Today, she was the first one there, not the last. She kept her book shut, in her lap, as she sat down on top of one of the desks to wait for the others to arrive. She was a bit nervous about sharing her poem, sure, but she was also excited. This was her idea, after all, her opportunity to finally read some of the things that Yuri and Natsuki wrote. Or, well, a version of their writing. She knew they were going to hold back with the poems that were going to be shared, but it would reveal something about them nonetheless.

She pulled her own poem out of her book and held it right in front of her face, to her chin. She really was nervous, with butterflies in her stomach. That was such a cute phrase, she thought. Butterflies in her stomach, but that was the way of describing nerves of this variety. It wasn’t the sort of nervous which ate her up from inside and made her whole body pound with irrelevant fear. This was almost a nice type of being nervous. She’d been legitimately anxious, when she got too wrapped up in certain books, and this was definitely nowhere as distressing at that had been.

“Oh, hi Monika!” Sayori greeted as she walked in, the second one to arrive today, “Did your class let out early?”

“Hm? No,” Monika said, lowering her folded poem from her face, “I just came right here as soon as it was done.”

“Okay!” Sayori said, “I stopped at the vending machine on the way, so that’s probably why you got here before me. And it dropped an extra soda, too… So do you want one?”

“I’m not too fond of sodas, actually,” Monika said, “They’re too sweet, but I think that Natsuki might appreciate it when she gets here. Don’t you?”

“Ah, that’s a good point!” Sayori agreed, setting both bottles down on the next desk over from Monika. Then, she dropped her bag on the same desk and rummaged around in it for a bit, coming up with some notebook paper with frayed edges and curled corners, just from spending the entire day loose in her bookbag, “Anyway, is that your poem? The paper’s so pretty!”

“Isn’t it?” Monika asked with a small chuckle, “I collect stationery, actually. I think that if you want to write someting by hand, the type of paper that you write it on can change its meaning too. The poem I wrote at your house on the notebook paper I borrowed from you would read differently if I’d written it on stationery with a wintertime design, for example.”

“Whoa, that’s so cool!” Sayori exclaimed, moving to stand in front of Monika, bouncing on her feet, “Monika, can I come see your collection sometime? Could I write a poem on your special stationery? Just one piece? I think that it would be so cool, to be able to see paper turn my poem into something totally different!”

“Oh, of course you can,” Monika said, turning her poem into one hand so she had one free to cover up the giggle which escaped from her butterfly-infested gut, “I’d be glad to invite any of you three over, actually… Well, whichever one of you comes over first, you know, you’ll be the first person to actually set foot in my room.”

“Wait, really?” Sayori questioned, staring at Monika as if that was the most surprising thing she’d heard in her entire life, “Haven’t you had friends over before? I mean, you’re a third year, too! I thought for sure you would have had a boy in your room by now at some point! Not that I think, you know, I just. If I was popular like you, then I would have!”

“Ahah, no, no boys,” Monika waved it off, ignoring the needle-pinprick in her heart at Sayori’s words. Right, of course. Sometimes she got so focused on her own goals that she forgot that not all girls liked girls the way that she did. She was pretty sure if one of these girls was a man, she still would have fallen in love; But, the saturation of womanhood could serve as a barrier when it came to acquiring her desired relationships, “And actually, you’re the first _real_ friends I’ve had, you know. Being popular, it isn’t about having lots of friends or getting along with people, it’s about other people wanting to get along with you. Sometimes, it even backfires… Somebody who everybody loves, seems a bit untouchable, no?”

“Mm, mhm!” Sayori agreed, “I bet, even if you actually know that person, they could still seem untouchable! Like, hypothetically speaking, if I was best friends with the most popular guy in the school, I’d still never be able to say I had a crush on him or anything! Cause, like, if he has so many girls fawning after him, I’d just be taking him away from them? I bet those other girls would deserve him more, a whole lot more…”

“But if you think that way,” Monika said, swinging her legs out in front of herself with a smile on her face, the first really fake one she’d actually needed to show Sayori for a while now, “Well, then this guy that you like, if he liked you too, he’d never know… Ah, Sayori. What about if that guy told you that he was the one with the crush, hm? Would you accept his affections then?”

“Ahaha…” Sayori trailed off, “A guy like that would never look twice at me, so that’s not even a good hypothetical! Like, why would he?”

“Why wouldn’t he?” Monika pressed, “It’s not like there’s anything unpleasant about you.”

“Jeeze, anything unpleasant? Who talks like that, Monika?” Sayori asked, holding a hand to her chest with another nervous laugh, “B̵̫̌ê̶̘͎s̸͖̉̂i̵̠͝d̵̼̝̍e̴̗͖̋͠s̷̖̽̃,̷̘̙͌ ̵̢̭̾I̴͙̓ ̴̥̓̀k̴͕̔n̴̩̒̒ô̸̝w̵̨̩͌͘ ̷̥͛t̴̩̔h̶͚̠͐a̶̛̹ţ̸̠͂͛ ̶̖͓̽̊ẙ̶̯͑o̷̞ũ̵͈ ̸̘̀̈k̶̭̀̽n̵̻̳̓̚ő̴̘̥ẅ̴̧̥́…̸̠̋͜ ̶̻̒Ỉ̵̢͚’̶̟̈́m̶̝͒ͅ ̵̢̝̒s̷̺̓ẹ̶̹͊͠ĉ̶̠̲r̷̢͆e̷͚̻̿t̸̟̔̉l̴̢̲͗y̶̺̓̐ ̵̛͍̈r̶͖̉ė̷͎̪a̶͘ͅl̵̤̓l̵̻̑̌y̸͙͈̅ ̸̢̻̊ü̶̬̳n̵̲̠̒p̴̭̳͝l̵̮̼̈́̆e̶̯̋͌a̴͎̹̋͒s̸̠͗a̶̮̝̅n̸͉̅t̶̢̰̕͝…̷̟̗̍”

“Sayori-” Monika started to protest, standing up from the desk and taking a step toward her, only to hear the club door slide open again. On instinct, she turned her head away to see that Natsuki had arrived. One hand had thrown the door open, and the other clutched a piece of pale pink construction paper so tight that her knuckles were turning white.

“Okay, let’s just get this over with!” Natsuki exclaimed at a high volume, then strode into the room and slammed her piece of paper down on one of the desks before she crossed her arms over her chest and turned a harsh glare in the direction of Monika and Sayori, “And just what were you two doing this time? First you’re both late, now you’re both early… Are you plotting some other dumb club idea?”

“No, we’re not!” Sayori defended herself, sidestepping out around Monika to approach Natsuki, “We just both got here early today! Do you want a soda?”

“Are you trying to bribe me?” Natsuki asked.

“No, I just wanted to ask before I forgot!” Sayori insisted, “I went to the vending machine, and it gave me two sodas instead of the one soda that I paid for. I offered it to Monika, but she doesn’t like sugary drinks, so…”

“If that’s the case,” Natsuki mumbled, looking away, “Then I’ll take the stupid soda off your hands, sure.”

“Heh, here you go!” Sayori said as she retrieved one of the bottles off that desk, then handed it over to Natsuki, “Anyway, we need to wait for Yuri before we share our poems!”

“Wait, she’s not here yet?” Natsuki asked, then finally took a look around the room, frowning, “Ah, usually she gets here before I do… Hold on,” She set the bottle back down on a different desk, then ran back toward the door, “I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Huh? What’s that about?” Sayori asked, frowning as she watched the door Natsuki had just absconded through at top speed.

Monika shrugged, but she had a knowing smile on her face and offered Sayori an answer, “Well, she made me promise not to tell you this, but Natsuki worries about Yuri sometimes, you know?”

“Oh, yeah,” Sayori nodded along, “She does get super into those books, huh? She could get herself locked inside of somewhere, or fall down the stairs if she wasn’t paying attention.”

“Yeah, Yuri can be pretty silly sometimes, can’t she?” Monika chuckled, sitting on the desk again, “I think it’s cute that Natsuki wants to keep her safe, even when they don’t really get along.”

“Of course she does,” Sayori said, “Even if they do fight, we’re all friends here, right? We can understand each other better than anybody else can. W̴͓̭̟̘͑̊e̷̢̩͈͖̟͛͝'̵̛̣r̴̳̖̞͕̯̔e̷̻͖̲͚̦̾͋͝͝ ̶̤̭͖͗̽a̵̲͋̓̾l̷̢̎l̷͖̰̣͈͌̀́ ̵̮̤̈w̸̡̢̼̌e̸̗̖̺̲̓ ̶͈̳͎̑̆h̸̯̱̩̲̃ä̷̤́̋̐͝v̶̺͈̾̾̾̌ẹ̸̛̬͉̯̫̈́͑.̶̡̛̲̼̑̒̄̔”

“That’s true,” Monika agreed without hesitation, “I wouldn’t want you to go out with the most popular boy in school, Sayori. You’d be such a good girlfriend, you’d probably forget all about us to be with him instead. Ah, whoever he is.”

“I mean, I was just speaking hypothetically!” Sayori said, “But, you don’t know who the most popular guy in the school is? Seriously? I thought everybody knew who the most popular people were, especially other popular people…”

“To tell you the truth, Sayori,” Monika sighed, looking away, “I don’t really know the names of most people in the school, actually. I know you, and Natsuki, and Yuri, but I just don’t really know anybody else. Even the others I was on the debate team with, I don’t remember their names anymore.”

“Oh…” Sayori trailed off, then mumbled, “Does that mean, after you graduate, you’ll forget our names too, Monika?”

“Oh, no, I don’t think that will happen,” Monika said, shaking her head, “Really, I don’t think that _could_ happen, you know. Like you said, we understand each other better than anybody else can, or ever could. Even if we somehow never saw each other again after I graduate, which I don’t think is going to happen, I would never forget any of you.”

“Good afternoon, Monika,” Yuri spoke up from the doorway with a sheepish wave as Natsuki ducked past her into the room, “Sorry that I’m late.”

“Yeah,” Natsuki scowled, but her voice sounded less condemning than concerned, “This idiot was-”

“I got too focused on my book and didn’t even realize the bell rang while I was in the bathroom,” Yuri explained, rubbing her elbow with the opposite hand, “I know, that _was_ pretty stupid of me… I’m sorry for the inconvenience.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Monika said, pressing her hands together, “You brought along a poem, right, Yuri?”

“Yes, of course,” Yuri said, “I wouldn’t just forget about something like that. I got a brand new notebook to bring it in, actually. I don’t like the look of pages torn out, but I don’t want to risk any of you reading anything other than the one poem I wrote for today.”

“That makes sense,” Monika agreed, “Well, since it was my idea, I’ll share mine first. Do you think we should read them aloud?”

“No way!” Natsuki exclaimed, “Actually, it’s probably best if we just get into pairs and swap with eachother… Then switch partners, right? I want to trade with you first. Yuri and Sayori can trade too. Okay?”

“That works for me,” Yuri said, “If it works for everybody else… I want to trade with you second though, Natsuki. I think that I’m more worried about what Monika will think of mine, since we have more similar tastes…”

“Monika’s tastes are like, everything though,” Natsuki said, picking up the soda that Sayori had given her from the desk, “But yeah, I don’t mind! Monika, come sit on the floor with me.”

“Ahaha, whatever you say, Natsuki,” Monika noted, striding over to the window. Natsuki sat down first, then Monika slid in next to her. She noticed that Yuri and Sayori did similarly on the opposite wall of the room, “So, here’s my poem,” She held out the stationery. This particular poem was on slate gray paper, written in a black gel pen so it would still stand out. There was a border that resembled a victorian fence around each edge, as well.

Monika's poem was as personal as ever, but at least she was able to keep it vague...

~~

“The Empty Mansion”  
Somewhere on a hill there’s a small farmhouse.  
But on another hill  
an empty mansion.

And the empty mansion looks around.  
It sees the farmhouse full of people.  
It sees that farmhouse having a dinner party.  
It sees all the lights on.  
It sees smoke coming out of the chimney.

It sees…  
Happiness?

But the farmhouse does not have as many lights-  
Not as many as the mansion.  
And the mansion  
has   
Two chimneys.

But there is never any smoke from those.  
And the lights are never on.

Shouldn’t I be happy?  
The mansion wonders.  
I am better than the farmhouse.  
The mansion knows is true.

The farmhouse is worse than me.  
But the farmhouse seems happy.  
It isn’t a fancy home,  
And sometimes the people inside are hungry,  
And sometimes the people inside are sick,  
But at least there are people inside.

So maybe the farmhouse isn’t as good as the mansion.  
But it is happy.  
The mansion is not.  
It is alone.

Alone on a hill.

~~

Though, before Monika was able to get any feedback on her poem, she also had Natsuki's to read, on that pink construction paper. She snatched it as soon as it was held out toward her, reading it as if she'd been waiting her entire life to be given this opportunity. It certainly did feel that way to her; She was starved for the information of what Natsuki's writing style was like, and this was the meal she needed. Even if Natsuki was holding back.

~~

“The Mosquitos”  
The other day I met two girls.  
One girl told me that she doesn’t like it when mosquitos die.  
But people kill mosquitos all the time.  
They stop mosquitos from biting them.  
Stealing their blood and making them sick.  
But the girl thought that even diseased blood stealers deserve to live.  
She doesn’t get mad if people kill mosquitos, though.  
She understands!

But the other girl said, that’s so terrible!  
Just because you think that pests don’t deserve to die,  
You’re gonna judge people?

And I thought, the girl never judged me for killing mosquitos.  
She just doesn’t kill them herself.  
And it makes her a little sad when mosquitos die.  
I still kill mosquitos.  
But I won’t mention it to her.

That’s common courtesy, isn’t it?  
She’s not hurting me at all, right?  
She’s just being nice to something most people hate!

But the other girl thinks that’s dumb.  
And now every time she kills a mosquito, she says it out loud.  
She tries to show off the squished mosquito on her hand!  
And if the first girl tries to say that makes her sad,  
The second girl says that she’s being too sensitive!  
People are always going to kill mosquitos!

She doesn’t have to be obvious about it, though.  
She could have just agreed to disagree about if mosquitos should live.  
Now she says the first girl should agree to disagree about being shown mosquito corpses.

That’s two different things.  
The first one is possible, right?  
But the second one isn’t.  
The first girl is a good person.  
And the second one?

Well, what do you think?

 

~~

“Monika,” Natsuki spoke up first after she finished reading, “Is this, really how you feel?”

“Ah, what?” Monika questioned, turning to her and blinking.

“What, did you think I wouldn’t be able to figure it out?” Natsuki demanded, “This totally seems like you’re talking about yourself! You’re beautiful and athletic and popular, but… You’re not happy? Like, the mansion, you’re objectively better than a lot of people.”

“I guess I did say that I wouldn’t be able to avoid embarrassing myself by making it personal…” Monika sighed, looking up at the ceiling, “I even waited till I woke up to try and distance myself from it, but I didn’t have a very nice time after I left the restaurant last night, to tell you the truth. Ahah… This probably sounds awful, but I found myself immediately wishing that I made some excuse to spend more time with you.”

“That doesn’t sound awful at all, jeeze,” Natsuki glowered, “Saying something like that only sounds awful to a real asshole who doesn’t want to be friends with you! If you’d said something, we could have hung out more. I’d have even stayed over your house, you know. You say we’re friends but then you hesitate to do that?”

Monika shrugged her shoulders, “Well, I haven’t exactly done any of this before, you know. I guess I ended up writing that poem because… Everyone seems to think I’m so great, but I’m lonely, all of the time. Except when I’m with any of the three of you. I’m sorry you had to find that out.”

“Well I might just sound like a total jerk saying this, but that kind of makes me happy, Monika,” Natsuki refused to make eye contact as she spoke, “I mean… Not that you’re lonely or anything! But, I’m glad that we can make you feel better. And I know I’d probably end up… _super_ jealous if we didn’t make you feel better, but somebody else did! So. That’s what I mean by it makes me happy.”

“You’re sweet, Natsuki,” Monika said, giggling a bit, “Anyway, your poem…”

“I’ll save you the trouble of asking,” Natsuki rolled her eyes, “Yeah, I was sort of inspired to write that by you. By the fact you’re a vegetarian, actually. I kind of wanted to show that some people will just be mean because of something which doesn’t even affect them at all. And that like, there are some differences that can be dealt with, and others that make it really impossible to get along with somebody.”

“I definitely saw that,” Monika said, “And I agree with you. Some beliefs are harmless, and some simply aren’t. And even if they’re two sides of an argument, it can become harmful depending on how it’s expressed, right? So agreeing to disagree… Only makes sense sometimes, right?”

“Yeah, exactly,” Natsuki said, “I’m glad you could understand what I’m talking about!”

“The way you write,” Monika noted, “It’s very simple and straightforward, but it’s still poetry. It feels like your biggest hope is to be able to communicate the thoughts you have about things, in a way that doesn’t make it completely obvious what you’re saying. It’s not heavy-handed like it would be if you wrote in direct terms, but anyone reading it should still be able to get the idea behind it. I think that’s really admirable, Natsuki!”

 

“Well, I mean,” Natsuki scratched at her chin, “Thanks, I guess, Monika. I wanted to make something I’d be comfortable sharing, so I figured that I’d be better off writing about my ideals than about my personal feelings,” Natsuki waited a moment, then spoke again, “You know Yuri was lying about what I found her doing, right?”

“I know,” Monika said.

Natsuki fidgeted where she sat, “I have to go home today. But there’s no school tomorrow, so maybe, I don’t know. Use your poem as an excuse to get yourself invited along to her house tonight, or something? Just, cause, you know. I always kinda knew she did that stuff, but she never did it at school before, far as I could tell…”

“Well…” Monika looked away, “That’s a good idea, yeah. I’ll do that. I don’t know exactly, if what Yuri’s doing is actually something we do need to worry about. If I spent the night at her home, then I could figure that out for sure.”

“Yeah…” Natsuki agreed, then stood up, “Anyway, I’ll go trade places with Sayori. Enjoy her poem too, right? Can’t have you picking favorites, just cause mine was so good!”

“Alright, Natsuki,” Monika agreed, then leaned back against the wall with her own poem back in her lap while she waited for Sayori to arrive. Sayori approached, then dropped down next to Monika, reaching into her lap without a second thought to pick up the poem. Monika caught the corner before Sayori could finish swiping it, “Give me yours first~”

“Eheheh… Okay, Monika,” Sayori laughed, handing over her poem, and Monika released the corner of her own. She watched Sayori reading for a moment, hoping she wouldn’t make the connection as easily as Natsuki had, then turned her attention to Sayori’s poem. Despite it being the _second_ poem of Sayori’s that Monika would be blessed with reading, it was still a precious and priceless experience.

~~

“My Balloon”  
I have a big bright red balloon.  
Right now, it’s big and bright and red.  
It has a long and purple ribbon for a string,  
Which curls around my fingers when I hold it;  
And I tie it to my bedpost when I sleep.  
Then I wake up, and I grab my big bright red balloon,  
And then I go to school.

Some nights, I forget to tie the balloon to my bedpost.  
It’s a good thing I keep my window closed, or the balloon would fly away!  
Instead it spends the night on my ceiling.  
But when I do that, I have to spend five minutes in the morning getting the balloon back.  
The ribbon is so curly, that it gets really short on nights like that!  
So then I need to pull over a chair and climb up on it to get my big bright red balloon down.  
And that makes me late for school!  
And it makes me really tired first thing in the morning!  
But I could never go to school,  
Without my big red bright balloon.

Someday, my big bright red balloon,  
Is going to fade.  
It will fade from red to pink.  
It will not be bright and red,  
But pale and pink instead.  
And it will lose its air, too.  
And get smaller.  
How will I like my small pale pink balloon?  
Will my small pale pink balloon be just as good?  
Or will I just pop it, instead?  
I guess I’ll wait and see.

 

~~

 

“Aww, Sayori…” Monika sighed, turning to look at her, “Come on. You know, there’s no way that your balloon would fade. Even if it did, then we’d find some way to replace it with a brand new, big bright red balloon, if you didn’t like the pink one. You don’t have to put all that responsibility on yourself.”

“The responsibility of taking care of a balloon?” Sayori asked, “I mean, that poem’s not autobiographical, or anything. They really don’t have to be! Yours doesn’t seem like it is, right? So what makes you think mine is?”

“Ahh, sorry if I was mistaken,” Monika said, handing the paper back, “But, it really is a nice poem, I think. If it’s not autobiographical, then that means you did a really good job at making it personal when it isn’t personal to you.”

Monika knew that poem actually _was_ personal to Sayori, but she wasn’t about to press the matter or anything like that. Sayori knew that Monika could tell, and that Monika was lying, but she obviously didn’t want to get into all of that right now.

“Thanks, Monika,” Sayori said, beaming, “It means a lot to me that you like it… I know I can probably never be as good as you, or Natsuki, or Yuri, since I’m way more of a beginner, but it makes me happy to write these, to be able to have fun doing the same thing that my friends enjoy!”

“I think it’s great, to have a hobby that you can enjoy,” Monika said, “Something that makes you feel like you’ve accomplished something, it can feel really nice.”

“I agree,” Sayori said, then stood back up, “I’m gonna send Yuri over here, okay? I forgot my soda on the other side of the room… Ah, I bet Natsuki’s poem will be a fun read! Yours was kind of bittersweet, and Yuri’s was sorta, um, creepy. I liked both of them, but they weren’t a lot of _fun_ to read…”

“Ahh, I don’t know if Natsuki’s would qualify as fun either,” Monika said, apologetically, “Well, I’ll see you later, then. Enjoy the soda and the poem, yeah?”

“Yeah!” Sayori agreed and rushed away, and the trade-off of who was sitting next to Monika changed again. Yuri approached slowly, taking the seat in a very methodical way as she clutched her notebook in front of herself, then took a while to actually say anything to Monika.

“Natsuki’s writing…” Yuri mumbled, “Is a lot nicer than I thought it would be.”

“Did you expect it to be mean?” Monika asked.

“No,” Yuri said, shaking her head, “Not exactly. Well, I guess, maybe. I at least expected it to be kind of dumb, but instead, she wrote something really abstractly kind. Simple. But nice. It was a smart idea to get us to share our writing. I’m glad I got to see that side to Natsuki. It makes it easier to understand her. Her writing style certainly reflects that her interest lies in light literature over anything more complex, but, it was a good topic.”

“Wasn’t it?” Monika asked, then gently held out her paper toward Yuri, “I’d love it if you could swap with me as well.”

“It’s not like I have a choice at this point…” Yuri mumbled, not looking as she traded the notebook for the fancy stationery. She turned away from Monika while reading the poem, showing a good half of her whole back as she turned her knees to the side to more comfortably keep her reactions hidden.

Monika, meanwhile, stayed exactly where she was as she opened up the notebook and read.

 

~~  
“River Downtown”  
When the moon peered over the edge of the horizon but the sun was not yet dark behind my back,  
I found myself standing at the banks of the shining river downtown.  
At my back, blocking the sun from touching more than the soft crook of my elbow,  
Are stores and restaurants.  
They are full of people, but there are no windows which face the bank.  
To reach the riverbank, you slip between the buildings, snaking your way by stench;  
Stepping on the cracked concrete of neglected space between the bricks.  
Sliding through as if stepping into another dimension.

To find it, the river downtown.  
And every time you look, in another world, when the moon is on the horizon…  
And the sun is so low it still casts light, but its touch can only be felt in the soft skin-  
Of an elbow’s crook, the inside of a knee, a single cheekbone…  
The drainage pipes to the river downtown are nowhere to be seen.  
And the grass seems soft and healthy  
Even though, abrasive, you’ll feel the paper-thin scrapes the next day,  
From rolling down the hill toward the river downtown.  
And you always land just before the concrete barrier between the grass and the drop to the water.  
Glimmering as if it were clean.  
Sometimes some part of your body, a part that wasn’t touched by the sun,   
Will smash against the concrete barrier when you cease to roll.  
But you won’t feel it until you return between the buildings.

And back in the real world, you’ll be bruised or you will bleed.  
But you’d never notice that on the banks of the river downtown.  
Your mind is wrapped up in a faerie illusion.  
And if you rolled right over the concrete barrier,  
Rolled just the extra bit further,  
And dropped like a stone into the water which pretends like it isn’t filthy…  
Would you even drown?  
If you were to drown there,  
Would you even feel it at all?

And I know you felt this way at the river downtown.  
Because I do too.  
When I visit the river downtown.  
To remember you.

~~

 

“Yuri,” Monika started when she was finished, holding the notebook open, “This poem…”

“Please don’t get the wrong idea,” Yuri muttered, “It’s not that depressing or anything, it’s just the way that I write.”

“Well,” Monika said, “I think I have the right idea. While the poem _seems_ to tell the story of remembering somebody who drowned in a certain location, the vagueness of the pronouns seems to imply that the ‘you’ and the ‘I’ are actually the same person. Maybe like the ‘you’ never ended up drowning. The ‘you’ could just be the ‘I’s younger self, who was more careless and saw the wonder in things more often, and this river is the one way left of connecting with that past. Right?”

“How did you…” Yuri questioned.

Monika shrugged a little bit, handing the notebook back, “I knew you wouldn’t write about something as personal as an actual drowning for the very first time we share poems in this club, Yuri. But your writing thrives on personal connection, doesn’t it? So you just picked a more innocent theme, one of things that you gain and that you lose when growing up, and let your own style turn it melancholy.”

 

“That’s right,” Yuri said, “Natsuki had trouble understanding anything other than the idea that somebody might have drowned… Probably because she’s used to reading straightforward text. Subtext is a hard thing to realize sometimes. And Sayori just thought that it was kind of… Creepy. She said that it sounded like a ghost story turned into a poem.”

“Ghost stories are cool in their own way,” Monika said, “But keep in mind, Sayori only even started reading for fun after I asked her to become the vice president. I picked her because I thought she’d be good in the role, and I hoped that the love for literature would come with time.”

“I think that it is starting,” Yuri said, “Her poem was much more intelligent than I would have expected from her, to tell the truth. I always thought of her as just… Cheerful, all the time. A good leader who can lift people up, but not the smartest or most passionate about what we do here. Somebody like that is pretty good too, but. There’s more to Sayori than I thought.”

“That’s true,” Monika said, “Sayori is all those things, and more. But I bet you’re a lot more than what people think about you, too.”

“Your poem,” Yuri was almost whispering as she handed the paper back to Monika, “Was that personal?”

“I told you, all of my poems are personal in some way. I can’t separate my feelings from my writing,” Monika said.

“So you really do feel lonely?” Yuri asked, “Even though you have us? Why not go back to debate club? I’m sure you had more friends there…”

“I didn’t have any friends there,” Monika said, “Not really. It’s you. The three of you. I don’t feel lonely when I’m with you, understand? But as soon as we’re apart, I feel like I don’t have anybody at all. Does that sound weird?”

“No, I understand it,” Yuri said, “And if that’s true, ahh… Well, wouldn’t it be our job as… Good friends… To keep you from feeling that way?”

“What? No, no, that’s not it at all,” Monika said, “But, I wouldn’t mind spending more time together, if that’s what you’re getting at. I mean, tomorrow is our day off…”

“Tonight?” Yuri asked, “I mean, actually, I would be home alone tonight, I was going to cook for myself, but… If I was going to have anyone over, I’d probably have to clean up first, too. But, I’d like to have you over…”

“You don’t have to worry about cleaning up,” Monika said, “I’ve been to Sayori’s house. Don’t tell her I told you this, but her room’s a huge mess. I helped her clean it up a few days ago, though. I’m sure your place is cleaner, anyway, and if it wasn’t I’d be glad to do the same for you. I actually kind of like housework. If this wasn’t an economy where most families end up needing two incomes, then I’d probably be quite content as a housewife!”

“Wow, I wouldn’t have expected that from you, Monika,” Yuri noted, “Do you have a… Um… A husband in mind?”

“No,” Monika said, again ignoring the false assumption that she was straight, “Like I said, I don’t really talk to many people besides you three. I just think that it would be a nice life, if it were possible, right? I could clean, and I could learn to cook better, and then in between I could spend all my free time reading or writing… I can understand why that’s still many women’s dream.”

“It does sound nice,” Yuri said, “Well then. Want to walk back to my house with me once club is over for the day? I know your house is a little further out, so you can borrow some of my clothes if you’d like. Stopping back at your house would be quite a detour, right?”

“It would,” Monika said, “Thank you, Yuri. I’ll leave you to your reading for the rest of the meeting, though. You’d prefer that, right?”

“Ah, yes,” Yuri said, nodding, “But, you know, you don’t have to… Go somewhere else in the room. We _could_ just both read right here…”

And with that, Monika felt, she had been right. Yuri would definitely be the easiest one of the girls to get to fall for her.

It somehow almost seemed kind of like she already was.


	6. Just Monika and Yuri

Monika followed Yuri home, and that was completely regular.

At the same time, Natsuki walked Sayori home that day; She volunteered to do it so that Monika wouldn't have to navigate to Yuri's house on her own, and Monika would prefer not to correct her to the fact that she had the locations of all three of their home's thoroughly memorized. That left Sayori with somebody still to fill the role of walking her to her hour, while Monika could go straight along to Yuri's house for the night.

The walk back was an interesting one, to say the least. Monika consistently tried to begin conversation with Yuri, on admittedly rather mundane topics, and while the first response went fine Yuri's ability to communicate completely devolved about four sentences in to any given topic. Monika didn't find this strange or anything, she found it intriguing. Yuri had never seemed to have trouble talking before, so that left nerves as the explanation which could most easily be assumed. 

Monika found it kind of cute that Yuri was nervous to have her inside her home. Okay, more than kind of cute. Monika would only be excited, not nervous, to let any one of these girls into her own house, but the fact that Yuri was nervous meant that her home would actually reveal something about her. Monika felt that the only aspect of her home which betrayed any truth about her was the drawer of poetry, and that was kept locked, with the key stored in the bottom of her pencil cup. She didn't expect anybody would find it by chance. Yuri had to have some sort of secret, though, or if not a secret, some reason to be nervous about having Monika spend the night.

Monika thought, either one of those possible outcomes was an ideal situation, so she was going to have a great time regardless. After a few failed attempts at conversation, Monika gave up on trying to make Yuri talk to her along the walk back, watching over her shoulder as Yuri pulled a key from within her shirt and unlocked the door, seeming to either not care or not notice that the action gave Monika a view straight down her cleavage. The fact that Yuri had no reaction, Monika took that as a free pass not to feel bad about taking that view. And what a view it was. Monika herself wasn't flat by any means, but Yuri had impressive currves-

And there she went again, fantasizing. This time Monika's thoughts filled up with a great desire to go to the beach with the girls, to see what sort of swimsuits they would choose to wear. It was a very different fantasy from that of seeing them in their underwear, which did at this point in the year seem more likely than getting to see them in swimsuits anytime soon. When it came to underwear, she knew at least a little bit what that would look like. The variety of swimsuit that somebody wore was a very particular way of looking into their personality, one that could hardly even be guessed at.

Monika did _not_ intend with this fantasy, to think of Yuri in a string bikini, or any other such physically fitting swimwear. Rather, she just wanted to know what their tastes in swimwear would be. If Yuri's preferred swimwear turned out to be a tradtional striped jumpsuit style of swimwear, not at all revealing. Monika just wanted to be able to witness that.

Perhaps it was strange that Monika thought this way, but she was proud to have such a train of thought in some ways. In so many aspects her love wasn't pure, but there were still aspects of it which were more pure than other people's love could be.

Monika's thoughts had nothing to do with the sexual ideas that came along with swimsuits for some, she thought of it only as another expression of personality. Were Yuri to wear an old-fashioned swimsuit which covered even more of her skin than a regular school uniform, then Monika thought, that would be perfectly fine too. It would be great, just to see Yuri's tastes.

And if Yuri's tastes turned out to be a string bikini, well, that would be nice too-

Monika shook the thoughts from her head as she followed Yuri inside, taking note of her surroundings. It was a bit surprising, but nice. Somehow Monika had always thought Yuri would live in a standalone home, but instead she was in a ground level apartment in a complex which had two floors, and all of the doors directly out. There were terrible stairs circling the entire building.

The inside of her home was a bit more of what Monika expected from Yuri. It was kept quite tidy in the front rooms, but a peek out toward Yuri's bedroom proved that the bookshelves in there were simply overflowing, a waterfall of literature across the floor. Monika only looked for a second, though, not enough to be noticed and not enough to see even the whole room. It was entertaining enough that Monika's ideas of Yuri's room were even a little bit correct.

Yuri led the way to the kitchen, then turned around with her hands clasped over her chest. Monika observed that Yuri's face was a little bit red, and she even looked somewhat sweaty as she spoke, fidgeting with her fingers between those clasped hands, "Anyway, um, this is my home... You're a vegetarian, right? I'll figure out something to cook so if you'd like to sit down and get comfortable and, well, read a book, dinner should be ready soon!"

"Oh, come on," Monika giggled a bit, taking a step closer, "Am I supposed to just sit and do nothing while you cook for me? I thought that _I_ was the one with the unrealistic housewife fantasy. Look, you and I are friends, yes? So we should cook together. I can do any prep work you might like from me, I'm pretty good with my hands~"

"Right, yes, we're friends," Yuri said with a small nod, staring as far to the right as her pupils would go without moving her head. If Monika looked closely, it almost seemed like Yuri's eyes themselves had some sort of nervous tremble going on as she continued, "Hmm, how about, a stir fry? If you could shell some peas, I'll cut up carrots... I have a lot of vegetables, so if you take a look in the fridge you can see if there are any you'd like to add, too. There's nothing in there I dislike, obviously, since it's my fridge, uhh..."

"Of course," Monika said, cutting Yuri off before she started trying to figure something out to say when she'd already said everything relevant. She breezed past Yuri to open up the fridge, examining its contents more closely than she had actually been invited to. There were a multitude of vegetables, and Monika focused on the eggplant and the water chestnuts in the crisper, but then looked around the rest of the place. There were two cans of whipped cream, a good amount of fruit, and five containers of blackberry-flavored yogurt. It seemed that Yuri had a more mild sweet tooth, for natural sugars. She usually only ate one of the cupcakes Natsuki brought in, so processed sugar was probably a bit much for her. There wasn't actually a ton in the way of base ingredients for cooking real meals in here though. Monika would assume those were in the freezer, though. She pulled out one eggplant and three from the bag of water chestnuts.

When she looked back over to Yuri, the carrots were already thoroughly chopped. She handed over her additional choices of vegetable, then grabbed the peas from the counter and started shelling them, dropping the pods back into the bag and the loose peas into a small bowl at her side. By the time she was done with that task, the rest of the vegetables were chopped, and Monika spoke up again, "Would you like me to put some rice on? It would help make the meal filling. The eggplant might help, but vegetables still aren't as filling as some other foods, I know that..."

"Oh, that would be nice," Yuri said with a nod, collecting all of the vegetables and putting them into a large skillet, though she didn't turn the heat on for that yet, "None of these take very long to cook off, so I'll wait till closer to the rice being ready. Is there anything you'd like to do in the meantime?"

"We could watch some television together," Monika noted, "That way, we could continue it while eating. Admittedly, I do prefer the written word, but television is still a form of literature in a way. It's yet another medium through which to tell a good story. Though, so much of it is meaningless, sometimes television can be more artfully crafted than some books."

"That's true," Yuri said, "I could show you a movie that I like. There's one called The Autopsy of Jane Doe which is pretty recent and very well-done. It certainly takes advantage of the medium it's in."

"I'll gladly watch that with you," Monika noted, and something told her that this would go very differently than the usual horror movie date. She had no reason to be startled enough to cling to Yuri in any case, and Yuri was used to this sort of thing. Even so, it would be something fun to watch together. Monika set the rice up while Yuri got the movie, then Monika sat on the couch next to her, leaving a respectable distance between them. Monika sat and watched the movie with Yuri for about half an hour, just long enough for it to just start getting really interesting before the timer for the rice went off. After the rice had been gathered and the vegetables stir-fried, they both sat back down to watch the movie. Monika ate at a fairly regular pace, but when she glanced up she noticed that Yuri had somehow already finished eating quite completely, and in that moment was standing to put her dishes away.

"I'll, um, be right back!" Yuri exclaimed, "I might be a bit, so you can just keep watching the movie until then, right?"

"Of course, Yuri," Monika said with a nod, "Take all the time you need."

Though, she wasn't really sure what was going to take so long about putting dishes away, she wanted to make sure that Yuri knew if it did somehow take forever, it was perfectly fine that she did. Monika was growing steadily more impatient on a grand scale, but her patience for small things was the same as it had ever been. Disappointing as it was, that she would have to spend any amount of time watching the movie without Yuri at her side. With her gone from the room, the story which Monika had moments ago found so interesting suddenly managed to become quite medicore. Not especially dull, given it was still a story and still something Monika would like, but certainly not enthralling. What made it so interesting, it seemed, had truly been witnessing Yuri's interest in it. Not to say it was bad or boring on its own. Monika simply had that way of viewing certain things. The value was not in the thing itself, but how much love somebody else had for that thing.

And boy, did it seem Yuri had a lot of love for this movie. Monika _couldn't_ imagine why, and by that of course she meant that she knew exactly why. A movie like this, it was the perfect hybrid of things that Yuri was fond of. It was horror, done well, done with a sense of unease throughout. Subtle and skin-crawling. At the same time, the focus of the protagonists _was_ to complete an autopsy in these conditions. An autopsy on a corpse that, blink and you'd miss it, may not have truly been dead. Slicing and dissecting... A horror in medical proportions as much as the seemingly supernatural darkness. It was unsettling, and Yuri's staring made Monika wonder if she wouldn't watch surgical video with the same gusto, the same hungry eyes and sweat on her neck. Like she wished that was her. The corpse or the coroner? Both, likely.

Monika didn't know when or how she'd figured that out about Yuri, but she was sure that it was true. Earlier that day, when Yuri was late to club, she hadn't been in the bathroom reading. She'd done the reading during class, and it must have been an especially juicy novel because she'd excused herself to the bathroom to exorcise her feelings the only way she knew how. Monika understood that, as twisted as it was. She exorcised her emotions through poetry, and Yuri was a very intense and emotional person, who didn't express it in any way under normal circumstances, too timid to share the extremes which racked her heart, mind, and soul. However she was left to express that in private... It wasn't hard for Monika to realize it.

Natsuki was worried. She was so concerned about the way that Yuri expressed herself, bleeding her feelings from her arms. Legs too, probably, when she was really and truly alone... Conjecture on Monika's part, of course, but Monika's conjecture was rarely wrong these days. She could only imagine by Natsuki's immediate mood upon returning to the room, and Yuri's cover-up, that Natsuki had caught her in the act. In her worry, she'd wanted to out Yuri's behavior to everybody, likely wanting for them to condemn it so that Yuri would stop. At Yuri's signal, though, she agreed to back off. Talking about it when Yuri so clearly didn't want to would likely not be of any help. If somebody's already decided not to be receptive to ideas, they won't ever truly listen. That was why people's minds couldn't be changed when they believed something objectively wrong, even when faced with the facts. Why it was impossible to explain to others why they should care about people when they've convinced themselves those people aren't worth anything.

Monika didn't see most people as people, but she could understand why they should be cared about. She was a vegetarian out of a desire to save the world, after all. Each faceless person meant absolutely nothing to her, sure, but she still believed that the entire world deserved comfort and happiness to some extent. All of that was beyond her. Out of her purview and her ability to be passionate or truly care. Indifference to suffering was still an emotion though, a strange and somewhat appalling one. Monika was not indifferent to suffering, that was just cruel. She wished that nobody needed to suffer, as long as those nobodies never brought harm to her or those she cared about.

Surely, most people felt the same way as Monika did, to some extent. Any human being met once and never seen again meant nothing to most, didn't register as human. Monika just had that situation dialed up to eleven. She didn't even entertain the idea of remembering somebody, or thinking that a faceless could become somebody whose name she knew, who she could befriend. It didn't mean a thing. Even still, Monika didn't want them all to die. She wasn't a fan of the fact that there were faceless suffering all around the world... But in any case, that wasn't important right now. She only got to thinking about that because she was thinking how Yuri's opinion on her unfortunate vice couldn't be changed.

Speaking of that, Monika decided with the amount of time that had passed, that Yuri was in the process of doing that, and not washing up from dinner at all. That wasn't especially surprising, given how much Yuri was enjoying the movie. Monika wasn't exactly a fan of that, though. Not that Yuri was doing it, but, if the reason for her actions were, as expected, a way of exorcising her emotions... That might make things a little more difficult for Monika. She'd have to tread carefully. But she'd have to tread carefully... Now. She had to act now. No, she didn't have to. It wasn't important, it didn't mean anything for her to act now as opposed to any other time. But she wanted to. She was tired of biding her time. At this rate, she would need to release her own feelings again, somehow, and she wouldn't have the proper opportunity to do that here at Yuri's house. She didn't have her poetry supplies. Those were important. She couldn't truly write a poem without her stationery. She needed to move. To the soundtrack of the movie still playing, Monika stood from the couch and left the room, practically gliding.

Her ponytail trailed behind her in her quick motion. She was a comet, ready for impact. She went straight to the bathroom, and she knew that in a place like this, the locks were shoddy at best. She grasped the doorknob, then twisted her wrist with a particular harshness. At the twist, the lock popped, and Monika pushed the door open, stepping with it, her toes nearly touching the wood. She locked eyes with Yuri, with Yuri's eyes dilated and wild, Monika calm, collected. Not at all surprised by what she found. Clearly she had jimmied the lock, not come in by accident. Clearly she knew what she was doing, and very clear was the fact that she expected this.

"Monika!" Yuri exclaimed, her forearms stained red and dripping into the sink. One was worse than the other, the milder one gripping what appeared to be a very intricate pocket knife with a tentacle design around the handle. Yuri knew she'd been caught out, and the only thing that she could do was confess the truth, not try to explain or make excuses, "Monika, I mean, haa! It's not like I'm depressed or anything I promise you don't have to worry about me I'm not going to end up seriously hurting myself or something like that like what Natsuki seems to think she just doesn't understand I mean it's not like I'm Sayori I have full executive function and I haven't been through any _recent_ traumatic events and I don't do this because I want to feel pain or because I hate myself I swear it!"

"I know," Monika said.

"It's just, ahh... haa..." Yuri's voice was high pitched and breathy, a crooked grin across her face as her entire body trembled, dribbles of sweat trailing down from her forehead and around her eyes, the whites so prominent with hardly a dot to her iris and pupil both, "My entire body gets so burning hot! And it's coursing through my veins, is traveling all throughout me and I can't stand to let it stay, it's just so overwhelming and nothing else I do can calm me down!~ Ahaa... Ị̷̮͇̮̗͂ ̴̧̻͚̭͔̝̑̐̉̾͘j̴̱͐́̂͗̈́̑ū̶̧͚͚̺̫s̷̡̪͖͂̒ṫ̴̥͎̒̉ ̶̧͕̞̲̹̙̔̅͂̈́̈͘ġ̴̛̛̖̘̞͇̑̍͗͜e̶̢̛̼͓̥͈̓̀̏̑̓͜t̸̻͊̉͝ ̵̢̗͈͇͍̲̉͝s̸̻̭͑̃o̵͙͍͖͚̼͐̍́̇ ̴̡̹̃͑f̵̧̨̽͂̇u̴̯͈̎̒̏͋č̴̢̨͉͂́̂k̸̛̙̗͚̳̫̮̑̾i̶̧̩̅͐̍̃͠͝n̷̙̹̙̫̣͔͌̂͒̑̎̔g̶̲̖̻͖̑ ̶͔̅̽͛͠ẻ̵͜x̴̠̃̇̓͋̈́͘ç̴̳̪̤̐̋i̵̛̬͈̰͓̰̅̌̊͋̽t̴̮̺͉̩̙̺̓͗́͒̒̇ě̴̞̲̳̞̤͂̆̾̂͜͠d̵̯̒͛̂̈́~̷̧̟͕̠̒̽̃͊̈̕!̴̫̜̜̰͉̠̑̑͐ ̶̥̱̺̹̎͌ ̵̭͕̣̺̳͆̃̇͋̊͠N̴̢͍̤͖̱̉͆̎́̊ͅo̸̰̮̮͈̠̍̔͌̋̃͘t̸̪͆̆͋̎̔ḣ̷͙̣͔͔̽̈́̽i̶͎͕̟͌n̸͉͕̼̠͗̌͋̅͝g̴̠͎̺̫͐̋̚͠ ̷̥̣̜̭͆̓Ḭ̵̧̓̌ ̴̢̠̖̰̉̃̒̾c̷͉̩̻̝̫̀̿́̋̽͝a̶̦̣͍̔̍̚͝n̸̥̏̕͘ ̴̲͙̥͔̒̈́̈́͝ḓ̶̦̭̭͙̲̅́͒̚ǒ̵̪̣̝̌ ̴̺̂̏̽̈́͐̔t̶̙̖͍̩̋̒o̵͈̮͉͍͘ ̶̨̩͋̔m̵̺̣̟̣̟̒ÿ̷̼̜̤̳͖́̏s̷̨̛̞͚͙͒̑̿̉͘é̴͔̮̱̬͠l̸͈̠͓̦̺͓͐̽̅̇̿͝f̸̟̘͑͆̕ ̷̢̛̼̯̲̹̈́ṣ̶̥̬̮̀̈́͜ę̴̰͕͉ͅx̵̗̗͓̅̓ư̶̹̯̳͆̉̄͝a̴͇̓͑̕l̴̖̝̒͛̒̕l̴͎̄̍͂͌͆y̷̯̗̯̐̽̀̓ ̷͓̓̉f̴̺͎͎͙̠̠̈ü̶̟̣̬̾͗̋̚ļ̶̜̭̖̋̒f̷̧̡̞̻̰̬̊̓͂̔̾͋ȉ̶͚̪̑̚l̸̯̔̑̐̿l̸̢̜̙͓̝̝̊s̵̛͎̙͔̔̾̏̈̇ ̷̧͈̿̃͘m̴̱͍ȩ̴͕͚̤̒̔ ̸̤̖̖̓̎̾l̵̻͎̚i̶̧̬̖͒̄͠ǩ̵̛̙͇̀̓͆͝e̵̠̭͍͇̋̓̈́͑̃͘ ̵̨̲̖̣͙̹̋͋̈́͝l̷͔͉̫̱͉̬͋͂̕ẻ̸̖͖͍͙̬̑̂t̵̖̟̝̰͋̆̓̎̾ṯ̴̨̩̲̠̖̅̏͒͝i̸̦̽̊͗̍̎͘n̶͖͈̓͛̕͝ģ̶̭͙̝͍̈́̿̇͗̉ ̷̧͈͚͎̤̤͗̌̒̕i̴̧̓ṱ̷̛͚ ̴̥̮̘̠̼̓̿̃̇̈͘ͅò̵̬̖͉ů̵̗̺̜͓́̇̈́̚͘t̴̠̑̔̐̌͠ ̴͎̣͓͖͈̏̌̽̐t̵̞̫̺̿ẖ̵̘̺͚̳̽i̷̛͎̰̱̳͑̈́͝͠š̷̟̥̳̤̳͈̆̇̇̔͠ ̵͓̬̽͆̃w̴̪͈͔̰͑̅ǎ̵̯̪͆͆̊̋̑y̶̧͓̜̘̬̽̉̿͆,̵̨͍͎̫̂͆̎ ̶̲̒̅̌̊A̵̧̧̨̛̜̪̠͛̔̏̆A̴̧͔̜̳͊̎̆̎Ạ̴̧̛͚͈̊͌̈͘ạ̷͎͉̬͔̜̽̃̒a̵̫̮͌̃̂̒a̴͕̱̎̏̾̕H̵̢͎̮̟͙̽̈́̌́̌͝ͅH̷̠̪̥̩̀͘a̴̺̜͑̋̽͑!̴̘͕̆̏̌̽~̴̢͓̳͚̯̈́͠"̴̲̗͍̪̲̋́ͅ

"Oh yes, I see how it is," Monika said with a disarming giggle, ignoring how Yuri was clearly breaking right before her eyes. She wouldn't let that be a problem anymore. She reached out and grabbed Yuri's wrists, manipulating both of them so that the way Yuri held the knife was pointed straight at Monika's shoulder instead, "Come on, Yuri, sweetheart. Why don't we calm you down a little, and then we'll see what we can do about that?"

"You mean..." Yuri panted, staring Monika in the face, "Do you mean what I think you mean? Monika?"

"Do you think I love you?" Monika asked.

"Monika!" Yuri exclaimed.

"Do you think I want to be with you?" Monika questioned.

"Monika, Monika, I don't know, I want you to, I want to think that, I don't care, even if it's just once, even if I do have to share you!" Yuri protested, shaking her head and letting her hair fall into her face. She sounded desperate. Desperate as if there was even a chance that Monika wouldn't indulge her. Monika didn't say anything, just pulling Yuri by the wrists back into the other room, to the kitchen, the nearest surface, the table. She leaned back on the table, pulling Yuri over her, knife still poised at her shoulder.

"Why don't you do whatever you want, Yuri?" Monika prodded.

"Because what I want to do..." Yuri breathed, "Might only make _me_ feel good."

"Aw, come on, Yuri," Monika teased, a grin across her face, "How can you say no to an offer like this?"

"I'm not so sure about-" Yuri hesitated, looking somewhat less wild than she had.

"̸̧̢̱̮͌͋̉H̶̬̮̲͉̼̱̀͆o̴̧̼̖̫͐͑̊͌̉͜͝ẇ̵̲͖̱̹̗̐ ̵̤̩̔c̶̨̢̼̺͖̚ḁ̵̧̲̺̉̽̍͜͜n̶͖͈̠͚̂ ̴̱̄̇̉̐͝y̵̫̖̺̼̜̋̐̍̋͗̚ǫ̸̪͓̟̲̋̑͐̚͜ư̶̜̰̙̍͆͆̄ ̷̨̮̲͎̍s̵̳̯̹̗̙̆̀͐̌̎̎ä̴̻́̒̽ͅy̸͒̊͜ ̵̳͕̖̲̳̊̂͌n̶̳̠̝̠̰̐o̴̪̬̒͌̚͘ͅͅ ̵̻͑̂̾̈t̵̻̻̎͌o̷̢̖̼̭̩̚ ̴̲̪̑̆a̵̛͚̺̩̹̋͠ṉ̸̟͊͑͆̍͝ ̸̹̼̈́̚͘͝o̷͓̼͎̠͉͐̎̊͊͑͝f̸͐͜͠f̸̹͑̉ĕ̶͚̚͜͝r̶̨̺̣̞̉̏ ̷̬̖̑l̶͓͜͝ĭ̶̱͌́͐͛k̷̩͕̞̺͔̾̓̓̄̉ͅě̵̪̣͂͋̅̀̈́ ̴̧̤̌̄͗̕t̷͍̟̜̏̈̊̃̚h̵̨̨̨̟̘͎͐ỉ̴͙̋͗̕s̷̟̼̙̫̩̣̆̒͂?̸̞̾̇͗̐́"̸̭͚̭̬̀͂̈́ Monika repeated, then with her grip on Yuri's wrists, pulled the ornate knife down into her own shoulder.

Yuri's wild look returned in full force, and she squealed, and let herself be dragged.

Dragged down to Monika's level.

\---

Yuri was silent as she gently applied the bandages. She'd swiftly done up her own arms so that she could focus, then moved on to patching Monika up more carefully, especially her shoulder. Monika realized that the wound on her shoulder was really quite brutal of her to have pulled Yuri into inflicting. Yuri was used to slicing and cutting, but stabbing directly into a shoulder? That was a new one. Even so, Monika knew that she had to be drastic. And being drastic in that manner, too, was important. It wasn't like Monika enjoyed getting hurt to _that_ extent, but she knew that Yuri might be overwhelmed to hear Monika's consent. Exhibiting such an overwhelming feeling, that could be too much. Monika relieved it by letting the pressure out with that drastic action, before teaching Yuri a whole new way to release those feelings of hers, while letting Monika do the same-

Monika could only imagine that receiving a confession of love, under normal circumstances, might be so overwhelmingly emotional to Yuri that she would do something unrecoverable to herself. A simple and tragic fact of Yuri's personality, that Monika had managed to circumvent. In spite of that hurdle, Monika had somehow always figured that Yuri would be the easiest of the girls to convince to fall for her, and she turned out to be right. The problem with Yuri was never getting her to fall for Monika, it was navigating the troubles that came with Yuri having strong feelings for anybody. Monika liked to think that she navigated them pretty well, though, as she sat here with Yuri's soft and graceful fingers patching her up. Yuri wasn't gentle at all, but she was gentle in the aftermath. That was when it was important.

"I'm sorry about this, Monika..." Yuri mumbled as she pressed down the edges of a small adhesive bandage on one of the smaller slices, having obviously focused on the larger injury first.

"Don't say you're sorry," Monika said, "After all, you don't regret it, do you?"

"I... Don't," Yuri admitted, averting her eyes, "I mean! I'm sorry that I hurt you! Obviously, of course I am, but to tell you the absolute truth, umm..." She trailed off.

"Go on?" Monika prodded.

"I've actually never felt so happy," Yuri admitted, her face flushing a soft pink, "And it's weird, being able to say that, out loud, and be... Okay with it. I guess that you're changing me, Monika."

"I hope it's for the better," Monika lied, knowing that her influence couldn't possibly work out to a positive thing in the end, "I want to be able to do that for you, Yuri."

"And for the others, right?" Yuri asked, finishing the last bandage and going to reclaim her hands, to hold them in close to herself nervously, but reconsidered and instead let them rest upon Monika's kneecaps, "I can tell, um... If you actually like me, then you have to like those three too, right? Because, the way you talk to all of us, the way you act around us, it's the same. There isn't any difference in the way that you view your relationships with us, except that I'm no longer just a crush anymore. So like I said, I don't mind sharing you..."

"Yuri," Monika said, reaching out and slipping her fingers between the lank strands of Yuri's hair. It must be hard to keep hair this long nice, so Monika wouldn't blame her for the somewhat oily feel of it. Monika's own hair was nice, but that was it, she didn't do anything special to it. Sayori's was quite good, and she probably used good products, since Monika doubted she had the energy to wash it all too often. Natsuki's seemed to be naturally amazing, which made it a shame that she wore it so short, "You're right. But, I'm sort of terrible and jealous, so I don't really want to share you with anybody... Unless it's someone else on the inside, of course. Someone else in the literature club. You'll share me with them, so I'll share you with them too."

"I don't need to be shared," Yuri said, shaking her head with a crooked smile as she looked up at Monika's face, staring right into her eyes, "I only need you. Just Monika."

"That's silly," Monika said, closing her eyes, "I'm being really selfish and saying that you need to let me be with other people. Well, maybe you'll change your mind later. I think that you and Natsuki could be a good match too, you know."

"Natsuki?" Yuri questioned, then frowned, "N-No way! Nothing, against Natsuki I mean, the opposite, I just don't think that... She would want anything to do with me. I'm really surprised that you even did, Monika. It's not like I hate myself or anything, I was telling the truth, when I said that wasn't the case earlier. But, objectively, I'm kind of disgusting, right?"

"I don't think so at all, Yuri," Monika said, leaning down to plant a soft kiss on Yuri's forehead, "I think that you're just beautiful, and I'm sure Natsuki does too... She isn't disgusted by what you do, she's worried. She doesn't want to lose you... None of us do. You can understand that, right? No matter your reasons, it _is_ unsafe... I was so scared, Yuri. I knew why you did it. If I told you that I loved you, what would you have done, if I didn't turn the blade to me instead? It's no wonder I didn't confess sooner, if confessing could lead to your death, you know."

"Ahhh... That's fair," Yuri admitted, then moved away from Monika so that she could stand up, "I'm sorry, I just... I guess I never really learned how to express myself in the way that most people do. I tried to learn by observing others silently all the time, or by reading books, but I could never figure it out, how to let my feelings out the way that everybody says that you're supposed to. It's not that normal methods wouldn't work for me, it's that I don't think I can really do those methods. Or that I feel something so strongly, that regular methods just put a dent in it... I'm way too emotional, for somebody who doesn't understand emotions."

"That's understandable," Monika said and stood back up as well, "Wanna hear a secret about your new girlfriend, Yuri?"

"Okay," Yuri said, looking to Monika with a timid nod.

"I don't even know how to feel emotions. Or I didn't. I only felt anything at all when I read a book, or did something similar. I didn't care about my family. I didn't care about the world at large. I didn't have any feelings at all toward any of my hobbies or any of the people that I knew. All I felt, was tied to literature," She admitted the hidden truth about herself, holding a hand to her chest, framing it like some sort of tragic romantic situation, unlike the symptoms of sociopathy it more likely was, "So I decided I should make a club to try and share those feelings. I started to watch the people around me and notice who might want to join. I noticed Sayori, and invited her. Then she invited you, and we found Natsuki, and... I could never make any of you feel the same way about literature as I did, but the fact that you loved it as much as I did, I started feeling more. And all my feelings were tied to literature, or to you three. It sounds sappy, doesn't it? But, you taught me to love."

"Monika..." Yuri trailed off.

"So the thing is, when I did start feeling things, strong things, toward other people... I didn't know how to express them either, or handle them. Especially because I felt like I could never admit them to any of you, for a while there. I didn't want to have these feelings," Monika explained, "So I started letting them out through poetry, that's why everything I write can't help but be somehow personal. I understand how it can feel, to be so overwhelmed by your emotions."

"How do you think you'll tell the others?" Yuri asked.

"About us, or about how I also feel about them?" Monika clarified.

"Both," Yuri said, "Mostly the latter, but... Yeah, both. I don't know how you'll tell Natsuki at all. I guess that it won't be hard to tell Sayori how you feel if you say that we're together now, though. If she admitted that she was jealous, anyhow..."

"Why would Sayori be jealous?" Monika asked, not fond of this realization that despite knowing so much about everybody around her, she was still working out to be an oblivious lesbian.

"I think that Sayori would be," Yuri said, "I could be wrong, of course, but I think that Sayori's been hinting to you that she might have romantic feelings. And you have been walking her home all this time, she might even feel betrayed."

"There's no way," Monika said, "Sayori doesn't even like girls, as far as I can tell. I mean, I think I can convince her, but she's not there yet. She was just talking about having a crush on the most popular guy in the school, after all."

"Dummy," Yuri used surprisingly simple language for her, but it really was the only way to describe Monika in this situation, "That was a metaphor. She wasn't talking about having a crush on the most popular guy, she was talking about having a crush on the most popular girl. I should know that much... I was watching you, and getting worried that I'd never get _my_ chance with you."

"Oh," Monika said, a bit surprised that such a thing had somehow escaped her notice, "Well, I guess that we'll just _have_ to make her so jealous that she confronts me. I know, it's not very nice, but..."

"I'll _gladly_ help you with that, Monika," Yuri said, clasping her hands with an expression that looked like she might start drooling at any moment, "Really, even though I'm kind of timid, I'm not above public shows of affection, especially not with you. Just touching your hand, might be enough to relieve my pent up frustrations on most days... I don't know how to explain it, you're just, so dreamy~!"

"Eheh..." Monika gave a sheepish chuckle and couldn't help blushing a bit. Composed as she was, getting complimented like that would fluster anybody, "Come on, I'm nothing special. Not compared to you, anyway. I've got all these objectively positive traits, but nothing about me would ever make anyone as enamored as I am of you three!"

"Well, I'm enamored," Yuri said, "You just can't see it, because your feelings don't include yourself, right?"

"I guess you have a point," Monika said, then approached Yuri again and wrapped her arms around her waist, "You know, I've been dreaming of this. Holding you close... It's been one of my sole ambitions ever since I met you."

Perhaps with anybody else, Monika would have been being too intense, but intense was exactly what appealed to Yuri. Monika could be herself and be honest with the way that she felt, open about it with Yuri. With the others, she might have to tone it down a little bit, which was a fair price to pay.

"It's nice that somebody... Thinks of me that way, instead of thinking that I'm disgusting," Yuri said, "I'd do anything for you Monika."

Monika giggled a bit and confirmed, "You will."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1/3 of gay acquired


End file.
